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How To Pull Ass If You’re A Quasimodo-Looking Toolshed

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grass ugly dude gets girl

The burning question. The phenomenon that I — and I’m sure many of you — have come across at some point in your college career: how do some ugly, stupid college guys get hot girls? No, I’m not just talking about drunk hookups; I mean relationships. You ever see that couple walking around campus? That really cute girl from your Econ class you’ve been thinking about for weeks holding hands with… who the fuck is this guy? The guy who got a 49% on the syllabus comprehension quiz on the second day of History 101? The guy with the grimiest, scruffiest face you’ve ever seen? Are those braces he’s rocking, or is that a fucking grill? Either way, WHAT? HOW!?!?

The secret? There’s one superpower needed to succeed with women in college that I will explain in detail, and it’s being just an average, normal guy.

I know, I know. You’ve spent plenty of time on TSM reading that women want a 6’3″ bodybuilder who dresses nicely, cuddles with them, buys them presents, and is well-behaved at all times. But does this work in practice? Fuck no. You’ve all seen Fail Friday. These guys are dumbasses, but have still have managed to establish lifelong brotherhoods and experience their fair share of women in the process because they’re just your average college dudes. And if they can do it, why can’t you?

So let’s break down just about every possible aspect of life that I can come up with and explain why women love “normal.”

1. Grades

Don’t be the guy who’s failing 8 classes when he’s only taking 6. Most girls don’t want to be with the high school dropout or the guy who literally doesn’t care at all about his academics. That’s not attractive. At the same time, however, the guy who complains about getting 1 point off on a test when his grade in the class is already a 107% is unbearable. Also, that guy has no time for anything fun like parties and the college experience, and has nothing to talk about with girls other than school. Keep your grades as high as you can — within reason. Maybe use one of your skips to day drink. Stay out later than you should a few nights. Live a little, and have valuable experiences. As long as you’re above a 3.0, you should be fairly decent in a job interview and can hope for a nice future with a fun and attractive girl.

2. Major

“OMG girls!!!!! I finally got that hot guy Zack’s number from Econ! He’s tall, he’s cute, he goes to the gym, and he’s majoring in English Literature with a minor in European History!” said no woman ever. Guys, it’s okay to not be a doctor. Doctors work long hours in pretty difficult conditions, as do lawyers, engineers, etc. Alternatively, nothing dries panties faster than having a dull major with zero marketable skills or interesting topics of conversation. That’s just the law of the land.

3. Dress

If you show up to class everyday in baggy, raggedy clothes, that’s a turn off. At the same time, you don’t want to be that guy wasting hours crafting the perfect outfit, thus leaving her intimidated by your immaculate dress (and probably thinking you aren’t even interested in women). Take it easy. Dress nice, but don’t go overboard.

4. Politics

I’m not a douchebag, so I really don’t care what anyone’s political beliefs are. But here is the thing: most girls would find the guy sporting the embroidered red hat to be unattractive. Vote, don’t be a douche about it, keep your stances to yourself, and if any sorority inquires? You’re a left-wing feminist who supports all 53 genders equally.

5. Alcohol Intake

Self-explanatory. Don’t be the dumbass puking everywhere, getting too drunk to fuck, dancing embarrassingly, or doing something hurtful. But don’t be the awkward wallflower standing in the corner refusing to socialize.

6. Penis Size

Imagine waking up the next morning and your dick is an inch shorter than it is now. Odds are, someone at your college has that size dick. If you have that size dick, I’m sorry; your condition isn’t covered in this how-to guide.

7. Physical Shape

I know, I know — it’s dad bod season. “Who needs a six pack when you can have a keg, amirite?” But maybe make an effort to get to the gym a few times a month. It shows that you care about yourself, you value your health, and you’ll look better in pictures. Girls love pictures.

8. Obsessiveness

Don’t be that clingy annoying guy who texts her “Hey!” With 50 exclamation points in every message and overuses “lol” and “haha,” but don’t ignore her. Girls love good morning texts.

So hopefully now you understand why that ugly, stupid, annoying dude gets so much tail. He is just your average, normal college student and the girls respect him for it.

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Attempting to crack the female code - one article at a time.

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