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How to Raise a Rage Baby

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It seems like everyday I hear about another one of my dumb slut high school girlfriends who had a baby. When these hookers get pregnant I never really know if I should congratulate them or offer my sincerest apologies. When the baby is a terrible mistake, most people’s first reaction is “Aww, that sucks for the mom. Her life dreams have been crushed.” My reaction is quite the opposite. I never feel bad for the girl. She was a lascivious whore and was never going to amount to anything other than a burden on society anyway. After taking that fateful dick she got a big bundle of meaning in her life. Congrats!

If you aren’t responsible enough to take care of yourself, you shouldn’t bring another life into this world that will be completely dependent on your irresponsible ass. I believe in the freedom of choice and unfortunately many of these girls should have exercised that freedom. Politics and religion aside, I never feel bad for the mom. I feel bad for the kid. It’s difficult to live a normal, well-adjusted life when your mom is a ravenous dick magnet.

In light of that, I have a nine-month-old nephew who is completely fucking ridiculous. Babies are awesome as long as they are given the proper guidance. As the Drunkle, it is my responsibility to ensure that there are no girly influences whatsoever. I don’t have the slightest idea how to raise a girl. I imagine you just feed her and give her shiny things. All I know is that how you raise a boy determines whether or not he grows up into a total fucking badass or a needy little pussy. Whatever you do, don’t raise a douchey baby. Here are some rules to follow in order to raise a Rage Baby. This will give him the best opportunity to be completely dominant in his adult life. You don’t want your baby to grow up and work for people. You want people to work for your baby.

Decorate Like a Man

People say that the theme of the baby’s room determines what the baby will fixate on. Rage Babies don’t give a shit about stupid sea horses and fish. Put posters of super models and Kate Upton in swimsuits everywhere. Sucking on titties is all a baby really cares about anyway, might as well reinforce that. Also throw up some sports posters (preferably of these men), beer signs, and American flags. Don’t hang little stuffed animals over the cradle. Hang power tools and fighter jets. If you use aromatherapy, don’t use pussy ass lavender. Use gunpowder and gasoline.

Build Up His Tolerance

Whenever your baby is crying, dip your finger in bourbon and let him suck on it. This will immediately pacify him. It will also instill into his tiny peanut brain that the comforting bliss of alcohol is a solution to all of life’s problems. This will build up his tolerance so that when he pledges a top-tier fraternity he won’t throw up all over the place when he remembers his first beer. It won’t be amateur hour for him because he will already know how to drink like a fucking wildebeest.

Let Him Suck the Tit for as Long as Possible

The line is fine between too much titty and not enough. Obviously you don’t want him to be dependent on mom’s rack when he is twelve, but you also don’t want him grow up feeling like he got screwed out of boob. The key is to give him nip whenever he wants it until he is old enough to be weaned off of it. That way he will be satisfied knowing that the titty is always there whenever he wants it. When he grows up, he won’t put the pussy on a pedestal because he intuitively knows that it will come to him if he desires it.

Replace Boobies with Beer Bottles

When it is finally time to be weaned off the mommy milk, he is going to freak the fuck out. It’s like forcing a heroin addict to quit cold turkey. Don’t let him suffer through this transitory period of his life. Hook him up with some tit methadone. Mix up some baby formula, pour it into a beer bottle and slap a rubber nipple on it. Don’t wash the bottle out. Leave a trace amount of beer inside it. This will condition him to find comfort and satisfaction in beer bottles. Later in life when some boobies he wants to suck on slap him in the face, he won’t cry like a little bitch. He will get another beer.

No Awful TV

TV is bad for babies. It’s been proven that constant exposure to cable TV promotes Autism. Now obviously the television is the world greatest babysitter, so your baby is only allowed to watch specially chosen programming from your infant education DVD collection. Fuck that weird Wiggles shit, they diddle kids, guaranteed. Among the things your baby is allowed to watch: Planet Earth, Patton, Clint Eastwood films, Top Gun, all 90’s cartoons, National Lampoon’s Animal House, Band of Brothers, baseball games, football games, and every single political speech by Ronald Reagan.

No Stupid Lullabies or Bed Time Stories

Don’t sing your baby Twinkle Twinkle Little Bitch lullabies. Sing him Don’t Stop Believing and Fuck Her Gently. Don’t read him beta bedtime stories about Goldilocks breaking and entering into a house of bears. Tell him about Desert Storm, the Invasion of Normandy, and SEAL Team 6 whacking bin Laden. The moral of the story shouldn’t be that it’s ok to steal from powerful bears until you find the porridge that’s “just right.” The moral should be if you are a badass, you can do whatever the fuck you want. If someone fucks with you, you can hunt them down and murder their children. Your baby needs to know the truth about America and survival of the fittest. That way the forces of socialism won’t be able to poison his mind when he realizes that he is better than other babies.

Follow me on Twitter @RageTheory

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RageTheory (@RageTheory) is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move. He enjoys long walks of whiskey and sodomy on the beach.

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