So, here you are in your favorite college drinking establishment of choice, chatting up a girl whom you’ve had your eye on since you found out that she rushed your campus’s cute sorority nearly six months prior. You’re feeling pretty good about yourself at this point, and you can see the finish line approaching as you realize the bar is going to close soon and you have the clear invite for an after-event in the bedsheets. You’re even more excited about this one than usual, because let’s be honest, this was a pretty slow play and lately you’ve been putting in more work than Drake during an over-hyped Twitter battle.
Unfortunately, you spot out of the corner of your eye a 120-pound basic ball of hysteria approaching your target of choice with the intensity and furor of a demented third-world freedom fighter. This is the exact opposite of what you need at this moment, and you can feel your almost-certain accomplishment slipping away.
Between the angry glares and aggressive arm tugs, you catch the reason for this sudden explosion of noise and emotion. Your girl’s friend just caught her old hookup Scott totally making out with some whorebag on the upstairs dance floor, and she absolutely has to go because men are such pigs and of course she’s taking your girl along with her. What do you do?
Regardless of whether this exact scenario has played out before your bewildered eyes or not, we’ve all been caught in a situation where someone’s friend simply doesn’t want a hookup to occur on their watch. Whether it be the less-desirable friend who never seems to attract any attention, a drama case demanding immediate evacuation, or even one of your own too-drunk boys killing the vibe for everyone, it can be a real challenge to navigate through these uncertain social waters. I’m here to act as your Magellan and make sure you circumnavigate the globe with enough reserves in the tank for a return journey.
The first step, as in any emergency, is to assess the situation. You wouldn’t provoke a coiled rattlesnake, and playing dead with a bluff-charging grizzly bear will just get you eaten. You have to adjust your response to what’s going on around you. This can be tricky, and sometimes you have to poke the beast to find out what works. Just try not to make it fatal.
Secondly, you can’t panic. That’s how mistakes get made. Panic always incurs a sense of desperation, which looks just about as attractive on you as a pair of plaid cargo shorts and a tweed fedora. Next thing you know, you’re either desperately slinging drinks around like a high school senior who finally got to use his parents’ house for his first party, or you become some babbling combatant debating who should get more of the girl’s attention. Neither will get you where you want to go, and it’s a bad look for all involved. At worst, you may even compromise yourself for any upcoming hookups, like a reverse sexual Terminator sent to decimate the odds of any meet-up with your future frock.
The most important step is to rectify whatever wrong got you here in the first place. You need to get the impeding block to start having fun again. That brother who owes you a big favor for springing him from the cops after nearly getting his third open container citation? All of a sudden, he’s there to cover the spread on the fugly friend. The rampaging sorority sister bent on leaving the bar faster than a first-time freshman confronting a club bouncer with an untested fake? Maybe suggest switching venues so that she can totally get back at Scott via social media from the bar down the street. Your blackout friend getting inappropriate? Well, I think we all know some sober pledges who can handle that fiasco. Whatever the case may be, from a disgruntled ex to an ill-timed Tinder alert, you have the tools to break through that offensive line faster than Jadeveon Clowney making his way to a Michigan handoff. Sometimes you have to get creative to accomplish your goals, but always keep in mind that it’s the fun guy who gets laid in the end.
Just like old Slick Willy said back in the day, “Keep your eyes on the prize and don’t turn back.” Of course, maybe your friends are just assholes. Then that’s your own problem..