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According to recent scientific studies and statistics, sexually transmitted diseases are at an all time high. As if 2016 couldn’t get any goddamn scarier, Jesus H. Christ. My God that is terrifying. Even if you use protection — a condom, a used gym sock, cargo shorts to keep her from having sex with you in the first place — there’s still something horrifically eerie and anxiety-inducing about possibly putting your protected one-eyed weasel into a moldy hot pocket that’ll end with you taking 3 pills a day if your rubber rips. You’ll have to use the word “outbreak” in a non-zombie movie-related context. Hell to the no.
So how do you stay in the game and navigate these muddy waters? You can’t just stay inside all day out of fear of getting your junk haunted by poor decisions; that’s not the American way. So how do you know to spot an infected patient with a dangerous coin purse before it’s too late and your dick looks like a Saw movie? You gotta know how to spot the red flags, my man. Here are some warning signs that show that a lovely lady probably has an STD. Read this, study it closely and follow it as gospel, and it might just save your life or the life of something you love — your dick.
- She has a common name that’s spelled differently (Krystyn, Syndee, Ashleigh, etc).
- She’s been to a Kid Rock concert.
- She has more than 1 skull tattoo.
- She has more than 0 angel wing tattoos.
- She’s ever considered getting a tramp stamp, even if it was for .05 nanoseconds.
- She thinks Caddyshack has aged well.
- She listens to Ke$ha.
- She looks like Ke$ha.
- She is Ke$ha.
- Her father and her brother are the same guy.
- She’s been to Texas.
- She’s FROM Texas (this one has a 100% accuracy rate, unfortunately).
- She works at Arby’s.
- Her boyfriend is a white rapper.
- She had at least 1 pregnancy scare in elementary school.
- She owns a Larry The Cable Guy stand-up DVD.
- She thinks Chris Brown is “just misunderstood.”
- She still thinks My Chemical Romance is deep.
- She’s ever ended a story with “but that’s because I didn’t know he was my cousin yet.”
- You see ooze leaking out of her bikini bottom that lands on a turtle and turns it into a teenage mutant ninja.
- Sorry for ruining the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles for you.
- Just kidding, that’s not possible.
- Her stepdad has a confederate flag on his truck.
- One of her brothers is named Travis.
- When you finger her, you find a White Castle receipt in there.
- Her alcoholic drink of choice is “anything.”
- She thinks Chili’s is fancy.
- She says weird, suspicious shit like “I have an STD.”
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