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In their quest to fill the countless hours left in their days by their lack of social lives, GDIs have found yet another solution to simultaneously entertain themselves and embarrass everyone else around them: Humans vs. Zombies. The name might sound like a B-rated horror flick, but we couldn’t be quite that lucky. For those fortunate few that are unacquainted with this organized douchery, Humans vs. Zombies, or HVZ to the tools that participate, is a game of tag involving identifying armbands. Geeds are either a human or a zombie and nerf guns are used to “tag” the human or zombie. Now this is shameful enough for 20 something year olds to play in the privacy of their own homes but, on an SEC campus in the middle of the day? Go fuck yourselves.
I don’t know what kind of misguided vision of social acceptability this game came from, but from the looks of the people who play it, it definitely makes sense. As part of the in depth research I performed in the name of journalism (looking at the website) I came across some incredibly “inspirational” testimonials. There were a few videos of guys resembling Emo band groupies professing the incredible impact HVZ has had on their lives. I’m talking about deeply emotional descriptions of the bonds of brotherhood and togetherness that this game has had on their lives. No joke someone actually talked for 5 fucking minutes about that. How is your life so terrible that the most important thing in it is the game of tag you play with all of your virgin friends? But, by far the worst expression of devotion to this adult game of tag is the Humans vs Zombies themed wedding. There’s must be something about nerf gun toting d-bags in tuxedos that just screams holy matrimony.
This game seems to attract a very distinct demographic. The first time I saw it this year I assumed that the Occupy Wall street crowd had gone vigilante and had just been too liberal to buy guns. I was wrong, but not really. I’d like to see a venn-diagram of HVZ and Occupy Wall Street. I’m assuming that it would only be one circle titled “99%”. But, there is one concerning aspect to this whole thing. The GDIs have mobilized and left the sanctity of their Mountain Dew fueled gamer caves. It’s only a matter of time before they organize against us. Well, I guess it’s not that scary. It’s not like there’s scores of great leaders being built on fantasy nerf gun battlefields.
Since many universities have condoned the activity there is only one hope to end the scourge. As the Occupy movement spreads to college campus around the country it is probable that’s these two groups will come into close contact with one another and that’s just what we need. If they get close enough together the aura of failed dreams and self-loathing that surrounds them will inevitably collide and the cloud of mediocrity that erupts will kill them all instantly. Theoretically, of course. But seriously, fuck these guys.