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I Can’t Sleep With Anyone Else In My Bed

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My least favorite part of hooking up is kicking the girls out of my apartment after we’re done. I always catch a ton of flak for nudging them towards the door, even when I do it in the nicest way possible. It’s not because I don’t appreciate what they just did or I’m a gigantic asshole who brings down a different girl every night, it’s because I hate sleeping near other human beings. Since when have we become so complacent as a society with sleeping in proximity to other people? I don’t care what the reasoning behind it is, I refuse to stand for this any longer. I desperately need my own space, and I don’t care what lengths I need to go to in order to get it.

When I say there is no limit to what methods I use in order to get girls out of my bed, I truly mean it. I’ll do anything. I once told a very nice young lady that my mattress was on recall for containing asbestos, and that she was risking life and limb choosing to sleep on it. I told a different one I was on call for a job I didn’t have, and that I needed to stay up just in case I had to go in, so she might as well go home. I even convinced a girl that my smoke detector had gone off and it would be best if she went back to her place for her safety. I would stay there and make sure no one died of Carbon Monoxide poisoning. There is no extent to which I will not go.

Sleeping in distinct areas was the norm back in the day. Spouses in the 1950s used to sleep in separate beds to avoid the burden that comes with sharing a single mattress. So when exactly did it become the custom to share a sleeping location? Did someone think it fostered “togetherness” in couples when they slept in the same room? It’s total bullshit. I don’t need a girl stealing my blankets, rolling over on my arm or kicking me while I’m trying to get my rest. That chick can go sleep on the couch or the floor or hell, in her own fucking bed. I don’t care what she does as long as it doesn’t involve my sleep space.

I am an insanely light sleeper. A car starts up a block down the street and I’m awake for hours. It has gotten to the point where I suck down a six-pack before bed just so I can successfully sleep through the night. Oh, and god forbid someone in the apartment next to me starts snoring, I’ll spend the night with fucking headphones in without music playing and risk missing the fire alarm rather than deal with that shit. So if all of that can ruin my sleep schedule, there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that I’m going to allow another snorting, flailing, possibly screaming (some of these girls are fucked up) human being into the same room as me while I’m trying to catch some Zs.

Look, I need you ladies to understand that this isn’t personal. I’m not just using you for your body (thank you by the way) and it’s not that I don’t want to see you in the morning (girls do tend to degrade overnight, just an observation); I just need you to get the fuck out so I can sleep in peace. I’ll even drive you home, or to the next town, I don’t mind. Just please, for the love of god, leave my bed and I alone.

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Wooden hulled, three masted heavy frigate. Named by President George Washington.

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