Tinder is a wonderful place. Girls of all shapes and sizes for all tastes. I shouldn’t have to explain how it works, but I’ll give a brief synopsis anyway because I once skipped a crucial step and it led to one fateful swipe.
1. Open Tinder
2. Tap picture to view full profile
3. Review all pictures for quality
***4. READ THE FUCKING BIO***
5. Make swiping decision
You may not think that starred step is important; many of you probably skip it yourselves on occasion. Sometimes, that insignificant little bunch of words contains phrases like “no hookups,” “vegan,” “cat owner,” or “doesn’t drink,” which always earn their author the quick left swipe. But I was feeling particularly lazy that night I guess, for I missed a hearty left swiperoni.
So I match this girl — let’s call her Suzie — and let her sit in the bullpen for a few days. Veteran move. One morning, I wake up to go to work with a message from Suze. I don’t remember exactly what it said, but she said I looked “fun and adventurous ;).” So of course I keep the conversation going and we meet up eventually. Still haven’t read the bio at this point, and I still had time to, but nope — I know what I’m doing; I’m SMART (is what i told myself at the time)!
At the time I was in the military and living on base. She couldn’t get on, so I drove to pick her up. The whole ride back, she wouldn’t keep her hands off me. I had to pull over to pull my pants up before we approached the gate. We get back to the “apartments” (very loose term) where I lived, got into the room, and just started going at it. She stopped to ask if I was okay with her taking pictures and videos. Some might call that a red flag, but I thought it was just her own little kink. I was also just ready to get it in after being jibbered in the car for 20 minutes, so I agreed to let her let her freak flag fly high. She then proceeded to give the knob-slobbingest beej I’ve ever received. It almost made me forget she was filming. The “main act” rolls around and she’s into all kinds of shit: getting tied down, getting slapped, name calling, being choked, etc. I’m just doing my thing; might have thrown in some American Psycho flex poses in there at some point until she said something that made me stop and want to bust, laugh, and cry all at the same time. This is where reading that bio would’ve come in handy.
“You’re better than my husband.”
I was stunned.
“W…What the fuck did you just say?”
“I’m married. Didn’t you read my bio?”
She then questions my manhood and asks if that’s going to stop me. With my questionable morals, though, I’m happy to report that it just pushed me a little harder.
So after we finished, while laying there in that so called “post-coital glow” which is just a mixture of exhaustion and assorted bodily fluids, I asked what the videos were for. She asks me if i know what “cuckolding” is.
It takes ALL of the little self-control I have not to laugh in her face and tell her that my friends and I use that as a synonym for “the most pusillanimous little bitches on the face of the planet.” So I say no, and she explains that her husband is okay with his wife getting railed out by other dudes as long as she sends videos which he gets off to. I’m totally baffled by this concept, but hey, different strokes, eh?
We see each other a few more times, she asks for a threesome with one of my buddies and me (another story for another day), and it all ends pretty abruptly after a particularly fun encounter. She tells me that hubby said, “You don’t seem like you’re enjoying it as much as you used to, so you can’t see him anymore.”
Lessons learned: always read your Tinder bios, and cucks are very, very real..
Image via Shutterstock