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I Wrote An Article That Accidentally Pissed Off All Of Ireland

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I did not expect this. To quote 48th President of the United States, Justin Bieber, “is it too late to say sorry?” I was heartbroken to discover that last week I wrote an article that pissed off… an entire country?

Yes, I unfortunately found out that some comments I made had deeply offended the Irish community. This was not my intention. And it was RIGHT after I got my “Ireland’s Favorite Writer” tattoo. Terrible timing.

Let’s back up for a moment. Last week I published “Watching Conor McGregor Lose From An Irish Pub Was The Scariest Night Of My Life.” And, needless to say, it was a masterpiece. Immediately after publishing it, I got an offer to receive The Nobel Prize In Literature. 

But, to my displeasure, not everyone was thrilled with my article. Why someone would find a reason to get upset by such a respectful, well-meaning article is beyond me, but the next morning, I woke up to some people sending a strongly worded article from Irish Central, a website I just found out existed. It seems like a cool website; I perused it for a few minutes but quickly got bored since it isn’t PornHub. Their article about me was shared on social media outlets 1.5K times. Translation: I’m FAMOUS, bitches.

Irish Central was especially upset about this passage:

“Do you have any idea what an angry Irish person is capable of?… Hell hath no fury like a bunch of angry Irish people…. After Floyd won, they should have put all the Irish people in cages and let them cool off for a night or two. Maybe drug them and let them sleep for a week. But to just let them pile out of the arena and back into the public? Horrific.”

I will admit that, in hindsight, that passage was simply unacceptable. To say that we should have put the Irish people in cages or drugged them is deeply ignorant. Clearly, we should have put them in cages AND drugged them, just to be extra safe. I’m very sorry for this regrettable oversight, as I wasn’t thinking clearly.

Let me be crystal clear in my comments: I do NOT have a problem with Irish people. As a matter of fact, I’m actually part Irish. I’m Irish, Italian, and Jewish. Which means I’m an angry drunk but I only buy the cheapest liquors.

The Facebook comments for the Irish Central article exceeded 500. People furiously accusing me of being cruel, arrogant, and egotistical. Which is bullshit. Anyone who knows me knows I’m way too perfect and amazing to ever be arrogant or egotistical.

I even received hundreds of death threats. And I’m NOT going to point out the irony that I made a joke about Irish people being angry and violent and it resulted in a bunch of angry Irish people sending me threats of violence. It’d be lazy and disrespectful to point that out. I’m not going to acknowledge it. 

I agree that saying all Irish people are aggressive drunks is a stereotype, and stereotypes ARE harmful. Like saying all Italian women have mustaches. Okay, that one is actually true so it doesn’t count, but you get my point.

Another Irish publication contacted me requesting an interview to respond to the backlash. I emailed them my terms for the interview (I explained that TFM is a comedic website and I wasn’t interested in apologizing) and they justifiably changed their mind.

I clearly made a mistake. So, all jokes aside, I would like to offer my sincerest apologies to the Irish community. For insulting them, for offending them, and most of all, for making them read.

But life goes on. Now I need to go finish my next article: “Watching Robert De Niro Lose In ‘Dancing With The Stars’ In An Italian Restaurant Was The Scariest Night Of My Life.”

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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