You know how it goes. You’ve had a long week, rife with classes and work and other responsibilities, but all you want to do is crack a beer and get some sun. Luckily, your good buddy Karl is here to give you the new edition of Porch Jams, all handpicked from the annals of music to perfectly complement your porch brew experience. This week, we’ll be diving headfirst into the world of high voltage rock and roll.
Fan Favorites are picked from the top comment of the previous edition.
My favorite is based on whichever suggested track I dig the most.
Be sure to leave your own suggestions in the comments for a chance to be
featured on next week’s list. Let’s crank some tunes.
Fan Favorite: Cat’s In The Cradle, Harry Chapin
Suggested by my boy E Dawg. This song is key when you’re coming off a week from hell. Maybe your boss tore you a new one, or maybe that professor with the chin strap who insists students call him Pete was being especially bitchy. Guaranteed to increase dust in the air by 72%. Nothing wrong with a good weekend purge.
Karl’s Favorite: Brandy, Looking Glass
Suggested by Drunk Chris Berman. One of the best one hit wonders to ever grace the charts, this song tells the story of a man at sea and the woman that waits for him. In typical ’70s fashion, dude loves the sea a lot more. Great for sending a hint that, no matter how well she drops it, you’re all about booty and far off places.
1. Hot Blooded, Foreigner
Kicking off our groovy rock and roll adventure is this Foreigner hit. If those power chords don’t get your blood pounding and your foot tapping, you need to go see a doctor. There’s always one guy in the house who’s way too into Foreigner, so make sure you keep him away from your sound system after this song. Otherwise it will play eight or nine times in a row.
2. Cherry Pie, Warrant
The rollergirl in this video gave me one of my first non-Starship Troopers-related erections, so you could say it has a special place in my crotch. It also happens to get women dancing, for one reason or another, so be sure to invite a near sure-thing over to enjoy it with a nice box of wine. Bitches love getting compared to dessert food.
3. Jungle Love, Steve Miller Band
Kickass laser sounds? Check. Sexual innuendo? Check. Steve and the gang having the time of their lives? You betcha. It’s everything you want in a classic rock song and so much more. First ballot porch brew hall of fame material.
4. Ballroom Blitz, The Sweet
OH YEAH! This song is all rise and a real crowd pleaser, but it doesn’t lose a bit of its luster when it’s only you and a few buddies. I’ll also accept the version from Wayne’s World, primarily because Tia Carrere is a certified dime.
5. You Shook Me All Night Long, AC/DC
After subjecting you to the horror of Celine Dion trying way too hard earlier this week, I’m repenting with this red, white, and badass classic from everyone’s favorite rockstars. Even if they are from across the pond, Angus and his fellow Kings of Kicking Ass know that American thighs are the best in the game. Air guitar away.
6. Doctor Feelgood, Motley Crue
Take two of these and call me in the morning. When the good doctor is through with you, there’s a strong chance you’ll find yourself in a manic state. It’s recommended that you immediately get on your feet and chug your beer in an attempt to stimulate the incoming wave of poor decisions you’ll want to make.
7. Hot For Teacher, Van Halen
The only downside of this cold hard track is that you’re going to have to listen to Emmitt tell his lies about sleeping with his subpar grad assistant for the millionth time. It’s worth it in the end, however, because this is high voltage rock and roll at its finest.
8. Dancing in the Moonlight, Thin Lizzy
Just listen to that bassline and fight your inner animal attempting to whip it out and jerk publicly. If you can’t, Karl Karlson is not responsible for your impending legal battle and eventual failure to win your case. If you can, you’re more a man than I.
9. God of Thunder, KISS
Another bassline for the ages, this one won’t cause you to compulsively masturbate. Although it isn’t one of KISS’ mainstream hits, it definitely has merits as a heavy-handed game changer for those of you who are looking to change it up from the usual ins and outs of Rhiannon and Kenny West and Jake and Ted Sheepland.
10. Gimme Back My Bullets, Lynyrd Skynyrd
One of the heavier songs in the Lynyrd Skynyrd lexicon, this jam is a favorite whether you’re a good ol’ boy or not. When you hear “sweet talkin’ people done ran me out of town and I drank enough whiskey to float a battleship around” don’t be afraid to let out a nice “yee yee” straight from the belly. It feels like heaven.
11. Rag Doll, Aerosmith
I think this song is about sex, something I have all the time, but can’t be entirely sure. Perhaps the “rag doll” actually represents a person that continues to fall prey to life’s many obstacles. Just kidding, it’s about titties. I’m such a card.
12. Rebel Yell, Billy Idol
My mom didn’t let me listen to Billy Idol when I was kid. She tried saying it was because he’s a bad influence, but one day she finally admitted she just doesn’t like his music. I’m not one to call my mother wrong, but in this case she is. Billy Idol brings the ruckus.
13. Dumas Walker, The Kentucky Headhunters
If anyone tries to tell you southern rock isn’t rock and roll, take the Hank Hill approach: politely, but firmly, ask them to leave. If they come back, take the Cotton Hill approach and bite them in the knees. The Headhunters are often an afterthought to super groups such as Lynyrd Skynyrd or Molly Hatchet, but their folk charm couples perfectly with steel guitar chords and excellent songwriting.
14. Rooster, Alice in Chains
One of the greatest songs about the Vietnam War to ever grace the airwaves. It fits perfectly into a relaxing evening or day on your porch with a cooler of cold ones. Not the most in-your-face hit from Alice in Chains, it certainly packs enough oomph to complement its slow rock feel.
15. When the Levee Breaks, Led Zeppelin
The final track from the perfect rock and roll album, this is a hell of a song to mellow out to. Once your far out musical voyage into the depths of rock and roll lore is complete, it’s always suggested that you give this song a little volume and let it lure you into a state of catatonic bliss. Great at family functions.
Wow, look at you all back from an incredible rock and roll journey to the stars. If you have the sudden urge to grow a mullet and beef up a GTO, do it. Then, leave your suggestions in the comments for a chance to be featured on next week’s edition. As always, don’t drink and drive.
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