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If A Business Meeting Was Run Like A Chapter Meeting

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Sonotech is a large business and their name has nothing to do with what they actually do. The owner just thought it was a cool name in the ‘90s and it stuck. Now it’s a company with 50+ employees at multiple branches, most of them young professionals. We take a look inside of today’s afternoon meeting…

District Manager Steve: Alright guys, everybody here? Mike is late? Okay, well we can get started without him. We had a great week last week, but we can always do better. Let’s try to build off it.

Sales Guy Mike:: (*storms into room, straightening his tie*) Hey, sorry I’m late guys. Got hung up with one of the interns on my way back from the executive bathroom. Ya know, the one with the huge blouse bunnies? (*Cups his chest, laughs like an idiot and high fives everyone*)

HR Guy Tom: Dude, shut the fuck up, Mike. I don‘t want to have to write you up again for sexual harassment, even though our policy is HORSE SHIT. Everyone remembers what happened at the Christmas party.

Mike: Pfffft. That was a load of garbage, okay? I didn’t know we weren’t supposed to be drunk and that temp was just begging for me to put some chipotle ranch on that fish taco. (*Finishes coffee, crushes cup, throws it at HR guy Tom*)

Steve: Alright, Mike. That was literally the most digusting metaphor I’ve ever heard in my life (*Mike shrugs*). We’re getting off course here. Let’s move on to the business at hand. We’ve got a big sit down coming up with Nelson & Co. later this week. Joe, lead us off here.

Sales Guy Joe: Thanks Steve. So, on Friday afternoon, we’ve set everything up with Nelson, now we just have to close this. We get this, everyone can go on a long vacation. We’ve been working on this for a while now and…

(Terry interrupts)

Accountant Terry: Hold on. Hold. The. Fuck. On. You scheduled a meeting for a Friday afternoon? What the fuck, man?

Joe: It’s the only time they could meet with us this month and it’s a huge account.

Terry: (*makes jerk off motion*) Big fucking deal, dude. Make the interns do it. You know every Friday is reverse happy hour and half price sushi night at Osaka. I‘d suck a dick for some sake bombs right now. No homo. I’ll need an intern to drive me too, by the way. Gonna drink a few roadies before we get to the restaurant.

(*Everyone nods in agreement*)

Joe: Well, that’s too damn bad. This is a mandatory meeting for pretty much the entire sales staff, except interns. That’s all I really have for now.

Steve: Thanks, Joe. This is a big one. We get this, everything will run a lot smoother around here. Now, Carter has some information about the company retreat next month.

(*Everyone starts cheering*)

Office Manager Carter: Alright, alright, you fucking animals. I know everyone looks forward to this every year. Corporate has seen fit that we scale back after last year’s, um…incident in Charleston.

(*Everyone boos*)

Carter: HEY, SHUT THE FUCK UP! We all got kicked out of the hotel and had to stay at the Econo Lodge by the goddamn airport after a few of you decided it would be hilarious to break into the indoor pool after hours and throw all the deck furniture underwater.



(*More cheers*)

Carter: Enough, alright. ENOUGH! As I said before, corporate has decided to scale us back this year, so we’re going to Branson. (*Everyone boos and throws styrofoam cups at Carter*) We’re going to Branson and staying at the Best Western Convention Plaza. There won’t be an open bar at all this year and everyone will only be given two drink tickets instead of the five you got last year. (*More boos and cries of protest*) Look, if you guys want to act like children and not even get a retreat next year, be my fucking guest.

(*Somber mood overtakes the board room*)

Steve: Thanks Carter. We gave that housecleaning crew a more than sufficient tip, so hopefully no permanent physical or mental damage was done to the fine employees and/or property of the Charleston Sheraton. Now we’ll open up the floor for any other business anyone would like to discuss. Yes, Rob, go ahead.

Tech Guy Rob: Okay guys. I know this topic is kind of going to piss people off, but y’all need to cool it with the office Brazzers account. We’ve already had to change passwords four times this month. Soon none of us will be able to have access to it. I know we all like that scene where the two chick mechanics bang each other out with strap ons, but seriously. You gotta cool it. That’s all.

Steve: Point well taken, Rob. Guys, I don’t want to have to go back to RedTube or Spankwire ever again in my life. I’ve crossed that bridge. My lifestyle demands HD-quality smut. (*Steve lets the direness of the situation sink in*). Anything else? Yes, Jason. Go ahead.

Sales Manager Jason: Steve, with all due respect, these interns fucking suck. They’re like…the worst interns ever. Probably even worse than those kids we had in Fall ‘11. They don’t clean. They bitch about everything. I sent one to get me McDonald’s the other day and specifically asked for cheese, and NO FUCKING MAYONNAISE, on my McChick. What do I taste when I take my first bite? GODDAMN MAYO. Fuckers are runnin’ wild man. I say we light these fucking shitbags up and make ‘em earn their way here instead of letting them think this place is fucking Candyland. This isn’t fucking high school.

Steve: That’s all fine and good, Jason. But we don’t pay these kids. We can barely get away with giving them college credit for all the work they do around here. My hands are tied here, buddy. Okay, if there isn’t anything else, let’s move on to employee of the week nominations.

Accountant Mike: I nominate Colin from marketing for that killer happy hour he organized with the sluts from the radio station downstairs. I ended up hooking up with this chick from sales and promotions…uh, Sandy, I think. That was fucking insane, bro. So yeah…Colin for employee of the week.

Steve: Any other nominations?

PR Guy Barry: I nominate Paul from accounts payable for finally closing on that hall of fame piece of cherry pie from the office on the other side of the business park. What’s her name, bro? Wasn’t it like Mary? Sherry? Pam! That’s it. Fucking Pam. She’s a babe.

Steve: Gentlemen, those are outstanding nominations. I’m proud to call you my co-workers. Motion to vote?

Everyone: Second.

Steve: So that’s six for Paul and…nine for Colin. So, congratulations to Colin from marketing. Outstanding work this week. Here’s a “Spend $100 and get $20 off” coupon to Longhorn Steakhouse. Don’t spend it all on booze.

Colin From Marketing: How the fuck am I going to spend $100 bucks at Longhorn Steakhouse?

Joe: I’ll help you out there, Collie. Everybody meet at Longhorn Steakhouse around 5:30ish? Business casual, ladies. We done here?

Steve: I guess that’s it guys. Oh, remember to sign up for next week’s blood drive down at reception. Terry, don’t fucking drink all day afterwards like you did last year. Alright everyone. That’s it. Let’s finish the week strong.


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The Champions Tour is a writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. If you don't know who he is, just ask your older sister about him.

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