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If NFL Teams Drafted Players Solely Based Off Of Intangibles

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Sam Darnold — Quarterback, USC

Pros:
– Looks the part. Definitely would play the quarterback if he was cast in some cheesy, coming-of-age high school football film.
– Good genes. Grandfather’s name is Dick Hammer.

Cons:
– Can’t trust a guy who doesn’t sweat. Major red flag in my book.
– QB1 has to slay the most muff on the team. Sam seems like he gets cucked by blind long snapper Jake Olson.
– Sanchez, Leinart, John David “I’m coming for that” Booty. USC QBs have a bad rap.

Draft Grade:
Looks way better than he plays. Can’t trust him in the clutch. Mid-round selection.

Baker Mayfield — Quarterback, Oklahoma

Pros:
– Johnny Football Lite.
– Willing to take big risks when the pressure’s on (see above video).
– Not afraid to piss all over his opponent’s existence no matter how inferior they might be.
– Absolute rocket ship of a girlfriend.

Cons:
– Johnny Football Lite. Yes, this is also a bad thing.
– Doesn’t always think things through. “It was at that moment on the sidewalk pavement that Baker knew he had fucked up.
– Doesn’t own his antics.
– Actually says he would welcome playing in Cleveland

Draft Grade:
Actually agreeing to come to Cleveland holds weight. Top 10 pick.

Saquon Barkley — Running Back, Penn State

A post shared by Johnny Manziel (@jmanziel2) on

Pros:
– Has a superstar name.
– Definitely looks the part.

Cons:
– Endorsed by Johnny Football himself.
– Seems too good to be true.
– Kind of an ass kisser.

Draft Grade:
The absence of any major red flags is kind of a red flag, but dammit does he have “It.” 2018 Hall of Fame inductee

Josh Allen — Quarterback, Wyoming

Pros:
– Endless amount of swagger
– Compares himself to Aaron Rodgers often (respect the hustle).

Cons:
– Still having your highlights from Pop Warner is a loser move.
– Actually chose to play in the state of Wyoming.
– Not even the best quarterback from his state. Remember that kid out of Cheyenne?

Draft Grade:
An arm like his goes Top 5, but that’s not what we’re grading here. 2nd Rounder.

Josh Rosen — Quarterback, UCLA

A post shared by chri$tine (@totallychristine) on

Pros:
– There’s an archive of TFM-worthy antics from this guy. See here, here, and here.
– Total cocksmith.

Cons:
– Kind of talks too much about issues. Big no-no in the NFL.

Draft Grade
Could be a franchise guy, but those off-field stances he takes are too risky for crusty, old white dudes. Free Agent

Image via Shutterstock

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Dent

Dent is a washed up former athlete who swears he's totally over his ex-girlfriend. One of these days he'll get around to applying to a real job, but until then he'll keep pumping out lackluster articles while downing copious amounts of Natty Light.

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