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If World Cup Teams Were Members Of Your Fraternity

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This may be a little late, but doing shit on time is for nerds, so get over it. Much like the members of your fraternity, the World Cup is comprised of a slew of personalities. Each team has its own swagger and personality.

Imagine if your fraternity was made up entirely of World Cup teams. They may look a little something like this.

  1. Brazil – This is the in-state guy. He pulls nothing less than dimes and has old money coming out of the ass. He may never live up to expectations, but his unmerited reputation says he’s king of the world, and that’s all girls care about.
  2. Mexico – This dude has no fear of rejection. He is always going for girls way out of his league, and all you can do is sit back and watch him. You savor the moments he falls hardest. You laugh, but you know that one day he will eventually succeed.
  3. Croatia – You gave him a bid because he’d be a good brother. He may not be anything special, but he’s someone who will pay his dues on time, attend events, and will never be the drunken jackass who gives your risk manager job security.
  4. Cameroon – When this kid was given a bid, you saw him as a diamond in the rough. He really had potential. You just KNEW IT. After some lengthy deliberations, you convinced the chapter he’s a guy you want to take a chance on. Sure enough, he never came close to his potential. He’s nothing more than another number, floating somewhere just above pledges on the fraternity totem pole.
  5. The Netherlands – Fuck this guy. He is just too perfect. The girls love him, he is extremely wealthy, he was accepted into every top medical school in the nation–basically, he’s too good to be true. The brothers either love him or hate him. While some marvel at his perfection, others wallow in anger and jealousy. It is yet to be seen if he can turn his massive amount of collegiate success into real world dominance.
  6. Spain – He was once the president of your fraternity. He was invited to every sorority function imaginable. He led you for a year and was sold to the next pledge class as the best thing to happen to your fraternity in decades. Despite exiting his office with the utmost respect from everyone imaginable, he quickly shocked the world by reverting to the antics of a freshman brother by getting destroyed at every tailgate and being removed from your own formal. Years of focus and self-control were just too much for him to handle, and he made his last year in college the most exciting of his life.
  7. Chile – This is the new guy. He has a passion for EVERYTHING. He attempted to be a member of every committee available, but had to quit when meetings began conflicting. He doesn’t live in the house, but he’s there more than any actual resident. He has so much potential, but until he realizes how to succeed in college, he’ll always flounder around the bottom, hopelessly seeking a way to the top.
  8. Australia – He believes he is the most interesting brother in the chapter. In reality, everyone avoids him so they don’t have to listen to yet another uneventful skydiving story, or how he once took a gondola through Venice. SUPER COOL, BRO. No one cares. He’ll fizzle out soon enough.
  9. Greece – He’s not rich, but he wears nothing but name brands and drinks expensive liquor. While no one can figure out where he gets his money, he’s cool as fuck, so no one bothers to question it.
  10. Ivory Coast – You can spot this guy a mile away during his pledgeship. He wears your letters everywhere, he comes to every event, and he is the most exuberant guy in the room at any given time. He loves the fraternity and is the first to show up for every shitty 7 a.m. philanthropy event and is also the last the leave. Unfortunately, no one trusts him enough or sees him as a leader. Therefore, he’ll always be stuck being “that guy.”
  11. Colombia – After “The Great Debate of 2012,” your chapter finally decided to give this kid a bid against your wishes. You hated him during his pledgeship, but he quickly developed into a viable part of the chapter. While he got off on a rocky start, you are happy to call him a brother.
  12. Japan – He has all of the newest, coolest gadgets that serve no useful purpose but look cool. They are usually replaced by a newer model every year.
  13. Costa Rica – Nobody really knows how he got a bid. There are several theories, but no one knows for certain. Somehow, he shocked the world and became the pledge class president.
  14. England – Every year, he has a magnificent list of things he will accomplish. Sure enough, after the first month of every school year, he is on the verge of failing out and hasn’t checked one thing off of his list. Never fails.
  15. Italy – His ego is nearly larger than the fraternity itself. He lacks social awareness and believes he is God’s gift to his brothers. Every trivial success he incurs during intramurals is celebrated with the most extravagant of dances.
  16. Uruguay – He is one of the best looking guys in your fraternity. He’s had a girlfriend his entire time in college, but is such a fantastic brother, no one gives him shit for it. He may be busy, but he always helps the fraternity in any way possible behind the scenes.
  17. France – He’s one of the least masculine members of your fraternity. You always think he’s deep in the friend zone of every girl on campus, but somehow, he always brings them back at the end of the night. He doesn’t let you forget his successes, either.
  18. Switzerland – He’s quiet, but he does pretty well for himself. When someone asks you about him, it takes you a second to remember what he looks like, because he is a ghost around the house.
  19. Honduras – There is nothing that this guy doesn’t complain about. Don’t be that guy.
  20. Ecuador – The most boring guy in the fraternity. He seemed cool during rush but turned out to be the biggest flop of all time. Nobody saw it coming.
  21. Bosnia-Herzegovina – He’s the first person in his family to go Greek. He really doesn’t know what is going on or how anything works. He works hard to understand the unwritten rules and procedures and turns out to be one of the better members of his pledge class.
  22. Iran – Hopefully you do not have an Iran.
  23. Nigeria – This guy spends all his time studying. With the amount of time he spends on schoolwork, you’d think he’d have the highest GPA in the fraternity. Nope. He still fails half of his tests.
  24. Argentina – He is the intramural superstar. He had a few legitimate college offers but chose to enjoy his college years without worrying about dealing with college athletics. You subconsciously feel inferior any time you play on the same team as him.
  25. United States of America – This guy came to party. He never had any intention of passing college with anything more than a 2.0. He lives by the motto of, “It’s not the grades your make, but the hands you shake.” Despite not being genetically gifted, his annoying, undying confidence yields him far better results that anyone ever believes possible.
  26. Ghana – He is everything the USA is not.
  27. Germany – He can do nearly anything he desires in life. He’s got the girls and the grades. He’s not quite the Netherlands, but he gives him a run for his money. While he doesn’t always seek the hottest girls, when he does, he rarely fails.
  28. Portugal – He has one above average talent. Just one. Everything he does in life outside of that one talent is mediocre, and he’s okay with that.
  29. Belgium – This guy could be great, but he cannot get his act together. He has great ideas, and everyone enjoys having him around. He can be a little much at times, though. If only he could put it all together one day. He could be something special.
  30. Algeria – Did a brother mistakenly give a bid to someone going through sorority rush? This is the guy who gets jealous for no reason. He is an emotional roller coaster and makes you question his sanity. One day he’s calm as a Hindu cow, the next day he’s nuttier than squirrel poop.
  31. Russia – Nobody is really sure how this guy’s name is pronounced. Every year, you think he may come around and be something, but every year, he falls short of the mark, reverting back to mediocrity. He’s okay with it. He’s has a touch of crazy, and that’s what most people remember about him.
  32. South Korea – He is the most embarrassing guy in the fraternity, yet he is too nice for you to say something to him. He always tries his hardest, but it never works out. You wish nothing more than to see him succeed just once.

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