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I’m In Love With This Delta Zeta Who Allegedly Faked Having Stage 3 Stomach Cancer And Stole $7,500

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Listen, I pride myself on having a finger on the pulse of the Internet and an ear to the ground hearing the slightest rumblings across college campuses nationwide. When friends and family members preface a lead that’s a few days old with “Have you seen this?” I politely inform them that “Yes, I have,” and immediately cut them out of my life for good. I just can’t have these toxic, technology-challenged people potentially dragging down my career as a legitimate, universally respected, award-winning media member with their laughably sluggish news cycle existence. Sorry, Dad. It’s nothing personal, just the nature of the business.

If I don’t cover something on this here website within 24 hours of it breaking, I most likely passed on the story. But as hard as it is to believe, I’m not perfect. Every now and again, something slips by this otherwise brick wall of a net-minder. What can I say? Players fuck up. And though I’m sure there’s a flawless explanation as to why I missed this scoop out of Northern Kentucky University about a month ago, I’m here to own my mistakes and give it the proper reporting that you’ve come to expect out of the three most important letters in journalism. Okay. We’re all good? Let’s dive right in then.

Kelly Schmahl, a 20-year-old Delta Zeta at NKU, is being accused of swindling her parents and sorority sisters into thinking she had stage 3 stomach cancer between June 2016 through March 2017 along with stealing thousands of dollars in philanthropic donations and the heart of this writer in the process.

Police estimate that Schmahl pocketed at least $7,500 during this 10 month period from sorority organized bake sales and fundraisers raising money for Kelly’s cause. Homegirl went all out: impersonating health care professionals while answering phone calls from concerned loved ones, shaving her head, adopting a wheelchair as a new mode of transportation, and writing inspiring blogs about overcoming her hurdle of a disease.

“I have never been one to ask for much, especially when it comes to money and material things, but when I was diagnosed last September, financial support from those around me has become pivotal in my battle.”

Such deceit. Such corruption. Such dedication to the bit. This girl is incredible.

Bamboozling your sorority is one thing. Honestly, it’s probably not even that tough of a challenge. But your parents? The people that birthed and raised you? That is a next-level, sociopathic skill set that is downright sexy. I’m not sure what that exactly says about me as a person, but if loving this crazy bitch is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Girl can rock a shaved dome, too. Not a lot of women can pull it off, yet Kelly does so with style and grace and a “I will take you for everything you have” elegance that has me in a heart-eyes-popping-out-of-a-cartoon-character’s head daze. Love like you see on the big screen or read about, you guys.

[via Fox News]

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Video Guy for Grandex Media. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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