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I’m Shmacked Needs To Shut Up About James Madison Fraternities

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To be fair, the kid technically has shut up about James Madison University fraternities. The incident that incited one of I’m Shmacked’s routine Twitter rants happened a full three or four days ago, and it’s clear from reading his tweets that I’m Shmacked has the attention span (and temperament) of a spoiled kid with severe ADHD who got into his neglectful parents’ cocaine. I’m Shmacked gets set off more than a campus public emergency phone during an I’m Smacked filming.

This past Thursday, I’m Shmacked sent a couple videographers to James Madison University to see how TURNED UP JMU could get, and naturally they decided to hit up the JMU fraternities. However, the fraternities vehemently denied entrance to the I’m Shmacked videographers, likely because 1) the houses were collectively aware of how absolutely terrible an idea it is to have someone film your party and distribute that footage to hundreds of thousands of people, and 2) they had a base, human aversion to the astoundingly dumb ass term “Turn Up,” which sounds like something Jaden Smith would tweet out by slapping the keyboard with his dick in the middle of a three-day purple drank binge. On a side note, I get the impression that I’m Shmacked founder Arya Toufanian, the kid responsible for I’m Shmacked’s tweets, would die of a seizing, full-body orgasm if he ever got the chance to high-five Jaden Smith, of course not before sending out 100 consecutive tweets about how he had reached the zenith of the Turnupiverse.

A TFM reader and member of a JMU fraternity gave me a quick rundown of the situation.

This is just preliminary info I have for you:

– Every house at JMU turned away I’m schmacked because it’d make them look bad, putting your shit on film is retarded, and pretty much everyone thinks those tools are huge boners
– I’m schmacked is pissed, tweeted bad shit about JMU Greeks
– Greeks responded accordingly on Twitter

As far as their past reputation,

-Last time they came to JMU, we did the same thing, they filmed the outside of my chapter’s house and used it in their film, implying we let them in
-last time they just went to GDI apartment parties
-One of our hotter sororities’ president was quoted in the paper last time about them, I’m schmacked called her a cunt

On the other side of the ball, I’m Shmacked eventually claimed (after several angry tweets) that its videographers were treated rather rudely by one, some, or possibly all of the fraternities when turned away from the houses.

I’ll be the first to admit that fraternity guys can regularly and unnecessarily be dickheads when turning people away from their house. Also, I’ve met people from I’m Shmacked before, out at parties around UT, and they were perfectly nice guys. However, it’s worth wondering, especially considering what our reader said above about the I’m Shmacked guys filming their house without permission the last time they were at JMU, if the I’m Shmacked videographers were asked to leave but kept filming, without permission. If they were doing that, they certainly deserved a hard shove out the door and into the street.

The videographers quickly got word back to I’m Smacked founder Toufanian that they were denied entrance to all fraternities at James Madison, and Toufanian responded more or less exactly how you would expect if you’ve ever seen an I’m Smacked tweet, or an angry 7-year-old in a grocery store.

It should be noted that Toufanian is a GDI, too, except unlike James Madison, who helped found America and write the Constitution, Toufanian mostly just cuts together videos that could be accurately re-titled “Try Hard: With A Vengeance,” “Pussy Riot,” and “Dear God, It’s Me Arya. Am I Cool Yet?”

The angry tweets from I’m Shmacked did not, unfortunately, end there.

And you’re the founding father of a company that has a solid chance of having child endangerment and child pornography charges levied against it one day.

90% of the kids who like your videos couldn’t get into JMU.

How would they know how many kegs were at the JMU fraternity parties? They weren’t allowed into them, even, apparently, the shitty ones, per our JMU TFM reader:

I heard from a JMU guy who is also a TFM troll that his chapter turned the guy away, and they’re not considered to be even middle tier. Really small house and not the best parties, so if the IS guy was resorting to them, he definitely was turned away from all the top houses.

Next, he showed off a basic lack of understanding for how the Greek System actually works.

I know, right? It’s stupid that multiple organizations be more concerned with what their governing body thinks than the fleeting opinions of some shitty Joe Francis knock off and the community college/high school kids who watch his videos and tweet about which schools they think are the most TURNNNNNNNNNNNNEEDDDDEEEDDDEEDDDDEDDD UPPPPPPPPPPP.

This is a message to fraternities across the country, though I suspect to most this will seem obvious: letting anyone into your party to film is a terrible idea. The potential for disaster is so disproportionate to the benefits that it’s absolutely laughable. Let them film GDIs breaking shit in the street. That seems to be their ultimate goal now anyway. That’s what happened the next night at Old Dominion. Hey, thanks for helping improve the Greek reputation, I’m Shmacked.

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Yeah, no shit your lawyer is pissed. He probably loves those tweets, too. I can’t wait until this Twitter account is used against I’m Shmacked in a lawsuit after some fucking idiot gets trampled acting like the world’s biggest tryhard in the next I’m Shmacked riot. I can imagine Toufanian on the stand now, trying to explain tweets like that.

“Your honor, I freely admit those tweets were basic of me, and that the ratchet attitude displayed there is out of character for me, or, hashtag rare. But please, don’t hold a few tweets against me just because this paralyzed kid is salty as hell. I hope your verdict will turn up… *points and winks, lawyer sighs and slaps own forehead*… in my favor.”

Actually, I’m Shmacked’s tweets are probably going to be held against the company pretty soon, hilariously enough.

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That’s just funny, is what that is.

“You have the right to remain silent, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law. Unfortunately for you, anything your dumbass boss tweets can and will be used against you as well. You’re fucked kid.”

Naturally, all that shit talking garnered quite a bit of ire from JMU students. They claimed that I’m Shmacked was just bitter that their people weren’t allowed in the fraternities. Toufanian disagreed, and provided some pretty sound logic.

Did I say “sound logic?” I meant oblivious nonsense. Is it possible to be salty when you’re I’m Shmacked? I mean, it shouldn’t be. You’re making lots of money to film college parties. Yet, somehow, here we are. Though, in fairness to Toufanian, it’s hard to be self aware when your head is that far up your own ass, only peeking out of your sphincter just long enough to check your bank account’s balance.

So, last weekend, I’m Shmacked insulted an entire Greek system for not letting their videographers into their parties, and then turned around and, the very next night, helped incite a riot at the next school they visited. Is there any question who was right here?

I’ll grant that Arya Toufanian is a talented individual, specifically at self promotion. He has a gift for it, I will give him that, and he has made it profitable. His self importance certainly outpaces the actual quality of his company’s videos. Regardless, good for you, bud. Seriously. But for all the cliché nonsense he spouts on his Twitter account, maybe he should follow a legitimate and similar sounding piece of advice: “Act like you’ve been there.” This kid doesn’t, and until he learns how, I’m Shmacked needs to shut the fuck up, especially about JMU fraternities.

I look forward to the string of angry tweets I get from this. They will be the most entertaining part of my afternoon.


I’m Shmacked’s official account just deleted several tweets bragging about starting riots at ODU. Thankfully I screen grabbed them, because I figured it was only a matter of time before the kid’s lawyer called him, screaming and furious, and forced him to delete the unfathomably stupid tweets while sniffling and fighting back tears.*

*That last part is just my mental image, but it seems accurate.

[via one of the dumbest Twitter feeds you’ll ever read]

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