Growing up as a young boy, I was spoiled. Not just from having parents who could actually provide for me, I was also spoiled when it came to sports. I witnessed my first taste of winning at the young age of one when the Penguins defeated the North Stars to win the Stanley Cup. They would go on to repeat again the next season. It wasn’t until the 2000s that I really hit my stride as a sports fan. In 2006, I watched my favorite college team win the BCS National Championship thanks to Vince Young. A month later, the Steelers beat the Seahawks for their 5th Super Bowl title. And then, in 2009, I saw the Steelers and Penguins win again. My sports boner was raging.
I was on such a sports high in 2009, and I knew it wouldn’t last, and it didn’t. Maybe I walked through a bunch of ladders, or maybe I broke a mirror (which, given my blackout rage history, is very possible). Whatever it is, I am now the unluckiest sports fan in the world. It is evident over the past seven years of what I have gone through. Since the peak of my reign of terror, I have seen the Steelers lose in the Super Bowl, the Rangers come up short twice in the World Series, and Texas come up short against Alabama. Hell, SMU football didn’t even compete for bowls until my Senior year.
What have I done to deserve this? My life is nothing but playoff appearances and divisional championships now. But what do those count for? Might as well call them participation trophies. Gone are the days of celebration and parades. Gone are the days where I could taunt my friends who rooted for other teams. My sports life is spiraling out of control and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.
I thought I had a ray of hope in the summer of 2015 when the Pirates and Rangers were flying high, the Steelers returned the scariest offense in the league, and my SMU Ponies were on the verge of greatness in NCAA basketball. But what was I met with? Jake Arrieta, Jose Bautista’s bat flip, injuries to the best players, and the goddamn NCAA itself. I just can’t catch a break. How can the NCAA screw over a team like SMU basketball like they have the last three seasons? Or the MLB with the stupid one-game wildcard? Make it three and give the Buccos a fighting chance.
Some might point to the cities of Philly, Cleveland, or Detroit for fans who are unluckier than I am. To those naysayers, I point out that disappointment is nothing new for them. They have not lived the championship lifestyle that I have come accustomed to. Sure, the Phillies won in 2008, but even a blind squirrel catches a nut every now and then. They don’t know success like I have known, therefore they are not unlucky, they are just merely fans of horrible teams.
I may be on the verge of a sports breakdown, but I know that I can’t stop watching. Who knows? Maybe I’ll be able to see another championship soon. Until then, my luck will be sour..
Editor’s note by Dorn: It’s the consensus among literally every guy in the office that Harrison’s take here is absurd. ABSURD.
Image via YouTube