In Defense Of A Cheap Beer: Red Dog

This is a recurring TFM series. Catch up with all installments of In Defense of A Cheap Beer by visiting the archive.

======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ==== ======= ======= ====== ====== ====== ===== ==== ====== ====== ===== ====

In Defense Of A Cheap Beer: Red Dog

Being in a fraternity entails many things. It means you slay poon, you pay Sloon (your Taiwanese prostitute on retainer) and that your $3,000 memory foam mattress has seen some things it wishes it could forget. Seriously, though, I think my mattress has PTSD or something. I’m pretty sure it cries every night because I keep waking up to a soaked bed. Sloon is trying to tell me it’s because I’m a blackout urolagnist who demands golden showers every night, but she doesn’t have any proof so I’m skeptical. I mean, she has one video of me taking a stream to the dome, but that yellow liquid could be anything. Plus, I caught almost all of it in my mouth, so that still doesn’t explain the whole wet bed thing.

Anyway, another important quality of a fraternity man is his attitude toward beer. He appreciates a fine craft brew, but he prefers drinking a barley soda of the light and cheap variety. In this series, I attempt to defend the latter from the Negative Nancys who are talking shit on beer review sites. And let me tell you, some of these guys are real jerks about it.

This edition’s defendant is Red Dog. Not familiar with the Dog? Let me enlighten you! Brewed by Miller, Red Dog is an American adjunct lager with 5 percent ABV. Everything else you need to know about Red Dog can be learned from watching this video compilation of Red Dog commercials from 1994.

It’s pretty unfair that Miller can paint a dog red and put it on television, but if I shave a mule and take it to prom because no girls said yes to me, suddenly I’m an “abomination.” Que sera sera, I suppose.

My crackhead uncle declared Red Dog to be “malty jingoism. Maltimore, Maryland.” Sadly, not all reviewers have raved about this nectar of the gods as much as I assume my Uncle Phil was with that cryptic review.

probably unrelated?; but I had to poop pretty bad after drinking this. – txb0392,

It’s actually probably related. Red Dog’s active ingredient is fun — you’re just allergic.

Great stuff when you’re eighteen and working up the courage to feel up your girlfriend for the first time. Sub-turpentine. – Tripel_Threat

I mean, “sub-turpentine” isn’t really an insult because turpentine is delicious. Have you ever tried it? Great stuff. Really clears up the sinuses, esophagus, colon, etc. As far as the whole girlfriend thing goes, she sounds like a slut. NEXT.

Look at the “Red Dog” upside down. It looks like Batman eating (I’m not sure the rules of this website) a girls vagina. – Dougology,

What an active imagination kids have these days. We all know Batman doesn’t munch.

Red Dog. I didn’t even drink this when I was in college. I wouldn’t drink this if I was that guy from 127 hours. This is worse than any beer (including malt liquor). I have ever had. By a wide margin. And I have drank a lot of awful beers. I would rather siphon (and drink) the oil from my lawnmower than taste this “beer” again. It is not safe for human consumption. It is not safe for rat consumption. You may use it to kill the weeds in your yard that survive other products advertised for such purposes which fail to work. – Jack_Frost79,

Damn, Jack_Frost79. Comin’ in hot. First off, if Red Dog was red-ily (LOL) available to you in college and you opted not to drink it, you clearly are an idiot who can’t be trusted. Second, how can you claim to have “drank a lot of awful beers?” There are no awful beers, only unappreciative thirty-six-year-old losers with terrible taste buds who log on to beer rating websites under fairytale pseudonyms to vent like little pussies. Everybody knows that.

Drank from can after shoveling my driveway. Threw can at snowplow.

Appearance-Stayed in the can for a reason. Handy 30 pack for destroying whatever clear vision you had prior to entering 7-11. Remember to play “rotate the can and tell me what you see” Hint: Involves Batman.

Smell-High school locker room, with hints of prom-night corsage. Some claim ether like notes, but that is probably from trip to ER from finishing 30 pack.

Taste-Beer. Notes of beer. Belches 100% AAL.

Mouthfeel-Definitely wet, slight antiseptic finish is indicative of what lies ahead come morning. Finish the 30 pack and you will know what it feels like after the kidnappers rip the duct tape off their victims.

Overall-Other than attending your 20 year reunion to see if your old girlfriend got fat…what were you thinking when you asked for this. The bartender might just be someone you stuffed into a locker back in high school, otherwise he wouldn’t have served you this. – JLSIV,

If you read this as a dialogue, it tells the story of JLSIV’s prom night. First, he had to shovel his driveway because his car was snowed in. He drove to 7-Eleven to pick up some brewskis for the pregame. After getting hammered and masturbating to the sexual Batman image (more on that in a second) his date dumped him, leaving him alone in the locker room with nothing to do but continue to drink and masturbate. On the way to detox, JLSIV was so drunk that he confused the ambulance drivers for kidnappers and ripped off the tape holding in his breathing tube. After miraculously surviving, JLSIV returned twenty years later for his high school reunion in a rented Beamer and a borrowed tux to check up on his date and show her what she missed out on. Damn, JLSIV. That must have been tough for you.

Back to the whole Batman mumbo-jumbo. Surely there is no truth to this…

upside-down red dog

HOLY SHIT, THEY’RE RIGHT. In case you still can’t see it, I’ve included an annotated version below. Yellow is Batman and green is his lady of the night, who, judging by the size of that shit cutter, is big into ass play.

upside-down red dog edited

Since their symbol is an inverted Batman munching box, why not embrace it and make their case edible? It’ll be sold out everywhere in seconds.

“Red Dog: Come munch our box.” It’s a TFM.

Email this to a friend

Jared Borislow

Jared Borislow (né The DeVry Guy) is a Senior Writer for Grandex Inc and a 2015 graduate of the University of Wisconsin.

23 Comments You must log in to comment, or create an account
Show Comments

Download Our App

Take TFM with you. Get

The Feed