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Yo, Mike Pence is such a square.
How much of a square issssss heeeeee?
He’s such a square, he probably wears a sweater vest to bed. He’s such a square, his only hobbies are drinking warm milk and watching The Andy Griffith Show reruns. He’s such a square, they should have called that popular kid’s cartoon SpongeMike PencePants. He’s such a square, he’s basically just a shape, and that’s it.
Sure, Donny is a regular clusterfuck of a human, but could you imagine Mike Pence as our president? He’d probably find a way to reinstate prohibition and make us go to mandatory bible study and shit. I mean, he makes Mitt Romney look like a goddamn rockstar. He makes BYU look like an opium den. He’s just… not a very interesting guy.
So, after skimming through a lengthy profile in The Atlantic about Pence, I was zero-percent shocked that he’s wetter than a blanket in a category-5 hurricane and that, during his Phi Gamma Delta days at Hanover College, he once ratted on his own brothers for throwing a kegger.
From The Atlantic:
One night, during a rowdy party, Pence and his fraternity brothers got word that an associate dean was on his way to the house. They scrambled to hide the kegs and plastic cups, and then Pence met the administrator at the door.
“We know you’ve got a keg,” the dean told Pence, according to Murphy. Typically when scenes like this played out, one of the brothers would take the fall, claiming that all the alcohol was his and thus sparing the house from formal discipline. Instead, Pence led the dean straight to the kegs and admitted that they belonged to the fraternity. The resulting punishment was severe. “They really raked us over the coals,” Murphy said. “The whole house was locked down.” Some of Pence’s fraternity brothers were furious with him—but he managed to stay on good terms with the administration. Such good terms, in fact, that after he graduated, in 1981, the school offered him a job in the admissions office.
What. A. Little. Shit. Seriously, how did he not get his ass beat after that? His brothers were just trying to live their best Animal House lives while this Greg Marmalard-esque motherfucker was out there conspiring with the administration and getting gloved HJs from his girlfriend while plotting the downfall of all things fun and freedom.
Mike Pence? NF..
[via The Atlantic]
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