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At A Hometown Bar
You: Are there any specials tonight?
You: Specials. Like dollar shots, or two dollar pitchers? Maybe like, I don’t know, fifty cent wells? Ten dollar bottomless?
Bartender: No. This is a bar for real humans. That’ll be three dollars for your beer.
You: This is outrageous.
Before You Go Out
You: [to yourself] What should I do tonight?
Your Penis: Something easy, and awful.
[opens phone, sends flirty response to snap from a high school ex who’s in community college and somehow gained twice the “Freshman 15” at half the school]
[penis nods and smiles maniacally]
You: She still looks sorta hot in her profile pic at least…
Your Penis: Yes. Yessssss. Let the denial consume you…
At A Family Christmas Party
Mom: How many drinks have you had?
You: [in your head] What sounds like not a lot? [to Mom] Six.
Mom: Six?!?! The party has only been going on for an hour and a half.
You: [in your head] Is six a lot here? What is this, Saudi Arabia? [to Mom] I meant three.
Mom: [rolling eyes] Three of what?
You: [to Mom] Of beer? [in your head] Shit that didn’t sound convincing. Or sober.
Mom: You do not sound convincing. Or sober. So this glass of scotch you’re holding is your fourth drink? That’s still too. many. And also interesting, considering the full bottle of Dewar’s I bought this afternoon is almost empty.
You: [in your head/to Mom simultaneously] Well when do I ever get to drink good stuff? [in your head] That was a less than spectacular rebuttal. Know your audience!
Mom: [seething] Just take a break for a while. It’s not okay for you to be getting blackout drunk around Uncle Ted. He’s been sober for ten years he doesn’t need you triggering him.
You: [to Mom] Yeah I remember when Uncle Ted was cool.
[a horrifying beat]
You: [in your head] That was not supposed to be out loud.
Mom: [trying not to explode] Try. To. Behave. Your. Self.
[Mom walks away]
You: [in your head] Well this night just got stressful AF. I need another drink.
At A Hometown Bar, Part 2
You: Oh shit. Here comes Mikey. Every fucking break the dude tries to tell me how wild his directional state school is. It just ends up depressing me.
Friend: Yeah fuck him.
[Friend quickly scurries away]
You: [after him] BASTARD!
Mikey: Eyyyyyyy! What’s up man? You gettin’ FUCKED UP!
You: Yeah… yeah I’m having some drinks.
Mikey: I just ripped like five shots bro. Oh my God! Pretty much more Jack Daniels than man at this point. It’s hard to leave that Northwestern State lifestyle behind, ya know?
You: I do not.
Mikey: Well you know, like you go to State, I go to Northwestern State. Just like every state school in this state just fucking rages, bro. Check this out, I musta had like forty people over at my place right before I came home. During finals week! WE WERE LIKE FUCK IT FUCK FINALS! We killed two fucking kegs, a bottle of JD, obviously, then there was this huge fight and someone broke my TV and I passed out in my dog’s bed and pissed myself. My dog was like “NOT COOL MAN!” [laughs hysterically] The next morning I was like, “Fuck dude, do I live in New Orleans? Is this spring break? Am I 1970s Hugh Hefner?” You know? Let’s take some Jaeger bombs.
You: I don’t know how but you make me want to drink more and less at the exact same time.
At Home After The Bars Around 3:00 AM
[You stumble into your backyard and loudly trip over something]
[You light a cigarette and start peeing against the fence]
[Mom comes outside, having been awaken by your ruckus, and sees you smoking and peeing]
Mom: [sleepy, annoyed] Can you please start acting like you were raised in civilization while you’re home?
You: Yeah sorr– [as you begin to speak the lit cigarette falls out of your mouth and lands on your exposed penis, you scream in agony and punch yourself in the dick before diving into a snowbank to stop the burning]
Mom: Twenty grand a year…
With Your Regrettable High School Ex
You: Alright let’s just get this over with.
Her: [excited] It’s so crazy we’re doing this again.
You: I do feel insane, yeah.
[You take a long pull of whatever alcohol is nearest to you]
*The next morning*
[You open your phone and see twelve snaps from the regrettable high school ex despite it only being 9:00 AM]
You: I’m gonna go grab a rope and make myself a human ornament in the tree out back.