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Jesus Christ: Original Fratstar

I know what you’re thinking. “What the fuck, they’re literally letting this kid write about anything now.” Well, you’re right about that, but that doesn’t change the fact that the good old son of God just so happened to frat thousands of years before the Greek letters on your chest meant dick. How, you may ask? While he never quite got caught up in all the worldly physical pleasures of a fraternal lifestyle, there are a few shining moments in his life that serve as a testament (get it?) for us all. And you thought the parables were the only lessons he taught. Without further ado, here are the reasons Jesus is more frat than you’ll ever be.

His Dad is Important…Really Important

He doesn’t have his own firm, and he’s not exactly a CEO, but there’s no denying that JC’s Dad is the top of the chain. The whole “dominion over every living being’s soul” thing tends to have that effect. While your father might be setting you up with awesome internships or a potential future job lead, Jesus’ dad spent his son’s life warming the right hand seat for a guaranteed second-in-command spot for all of eternity. Not a bad deal.

Always Keeps at Least 12 Pledges Around

Apostles? Yeah right, we in the Greek community know what they really were: pledges. Everywhere Jesus went, he had his crew of pledges more than willing to serve. Sure, he did a lot of the work himself, being that he’s a pretty nice guy, but I have no doubt there were times he casually “passed the work along” to his lessers.
“Oh no, who’s going to hand out these 40,000 loaves of bread and 20,000 fish? Pledge Peter, I think this one’s on you.”

He Supports Boozing

Ever go to a wedding that didn’t have an open bar? Me neither (who would?), but that isn’t the point. Imagine yourself at a wedding in biblical times: hot, sweaty, and consumed by sand in places no sand should ever go. The ceremony, boring as shit, seems to last forever. Finally you make it to the reception, but alas: no bar whatsoever. This pitiful excuse for a wedding has nothing but giant clay pots filled with water, and I’m 99% sure they didn’t run it through a Brita Filter first. Just when the day seems like a complete bust, out comes good old JC, 12 pledges eagerly in tow. With a simple wave of his hand, all of the disease-ridden water is instantly transformed to wine. I’d like to see pussy-ass Harry Potter pull that one off. What seemed like it was going to be a sober Biblical bore-fest has suddenly become a rager. Jesus essentially walked into the room, acclimated himself as Social Chairman, and popped the cork on a crush party that puts modern day to shame. With powers like that, how can you not be considered FaF?

He Kept Good Company

Now, I know they might be pledges, but there is definitely some frat potential in some of the Apostles and the rest of Jesus’ entourage as well. First of all, it’s common knowledge that Jesus and the boys loved a good day of fishing. Frat. He also chose to bring some tax collectors along for the ride, some of the richest and most powerful men in their societies. Frat. Finally, he kept a main slampiece at his side at all times in the form of Mary Madgeline. Frat. I’m not going to go all “Da Vinci” code on you, and talk about him as if he hit that on the regular (I don’t want to give radical religious groups any more reasons to hate TFM), all I’m saying is she was around basically always. Seriously don’t read into it any farther, I don’t want to have Bibles thrown at my house tomorrow.

He’s the Best Risk Manager

We all know it: shit happens in fraternities. Sometimes important things don’t get done, sometimes we drink until we are a threat to society, and sometimes hazing goes a little too far. While Jesus can’t help us with all these issues, he sure would be an asset to have around in any cases of drunken injury. Oh, what’s that, you have a compound fracture from trying to jump off the fire escape onto a mattress? Don’t worry, brother Christ has your back. And on the horribly unfortunate chance that a brother parties himself to death, no worries! Jesus Christ is more than willing to resurrect the dead if need be.

He’ll Take One for the Team

In all my experiences, there is one shining quality that filters “good brother” from “bad brother” in my book. While there may be some brothers who hold important positions, or others who rage harder than Jay Cutler on a bye week, but the best brothers are the ones who are willing to take one for the team. Whether this means jumping on the trollish “BFF” girl at the bar so your buddy can score, or sitting on the intramural bench as a pledge shows the high school athleticism you lost after a few years of liver abuse, it takes a lot to be a man and help needy brothers out.

Jesus, for obvious reasons, is a prime example of this character trait. Even after the should-have-been-balled Judas ratted him out (fucking snitches), he sucked it up and went through with the miserably violent crucifixion that Mel Gibson would eagerly exploit one day for millions of dollars. Next time you complain about playing wingman for another brother, just imagine what it must have been like to be strung up and nailed into a permanent “I love you THIS much” pose. Suddenly, that cave-troll friend doesn’t seem so bad.

In Conclusion…

So there it is ladies and gentlemen, the exact reasons why you should consider good old Jesus Christ as an inspiration for your fraternal adventures. He might not quite have the qualities you typically look for: he doesn’t drink and his hair makes him look like he’d be better suited holding up a 99% sign. All things considered, Jesus Christ is still 100% Frat, and it’s about time you recognized him as such.

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StuffFratPeopleLike (@StuffFratsLike) is a writer for Total Frat Move, and due to his crippling OCD and functional alcoholism he can only understand and write text when presented in a numbered list format. So you're all jerks for calling him out on it. He is a self described Huguenot, and commands a secret sexual fetish for angry internet comments.

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