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Jim Harbaugh Presents Ugliest Texas-Shaped Birthday Cake Ever To Recruit, Has Clearly Never Seen Texas On A Map

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College football recruiting is a weird thing, man.

It’s essentially bunch of adults, whose livelihoods and families depend on the actions and inactions of 18-years-olds, attempting to seduce young men in to joining their program by making them feel special in order to secure their signature, and then treating them like complete and total dogshit unless they turn out to be some kind of superstar. This practice continues ad infinitum.

Jim Harbaugh, who is having a stellar year with the Michigan Wolverines in Ann Arbor, shouldn’t have to do a lot to sell himself and his program to high-level recruits. That hasn’t stopped him from doing some very weird shit during recruiting season, like baking a cake (or more realistically, forcing one of his minions to bake a cake) for four-star defensive line recruit and Texas native Jordan Elliott:

WTF is that? Is that what Jim thinks Texas looks like? A skinny pan-handle with a body covered in tumors? I like to imagine Jim wearing an apron with some corny ass slogan in his kitchen in the middle of the night, stressing out over this cake. His wife comes in and begs him to come to bed.

“Not now Marci (a name I made up but seems like a good Jim Harbaugh wife name),” he shouts. “I have to have this cake ready by tomorrow morning so Jordan can tweet it. He’s turning 18.”

“Is that the skull of an aborted fetus?” she asks.


“Honey, would you like me to just go buy a yellow and blue cake over at Kroger instead?”


This cake, alongside the shitty birthday decorations you can grab on sale at Michael’s, makes this recruitment particularly special. If Jordan can’t see the genuine love Ol’ Jim has for him, during OSU-Michigan week no less, and doesn’t commit by the end of the month, then perhaps he just doesn’t belong in college football at all.

Image via Twitter

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