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I obviously had to cover this, you guys.
— K-State Athletics (@kstatesports) November 5, 2013
Under-attended sporting events have all the best promotions. We’re only about a decade away from two midgets fully banging each other on the pitcher’s mound of a minor league baseball game. That’s how Ray Kinsella should’ve gotten people out to his farm. A bunch of ghosts playing an exhibition game? YAWN. A dwarf getting plowed harder than the cornfield she’s laying in? Sellout city. Also, hearing James Earl Jones smile and delightfully bellow, “Little people will cum, Ray” as a tiny naked couple waddled between Shoeless Joe and Buck Weaver on their way up to the mound would have been a cinematic brilliance.
Unfortunately, universities are hamstrung by faux, self-imposed moral codes and the fact that they’d like you to believe they aren’t a business, so they probably won’t ever get that shrewd with their marketing ploys. Still, giving away free bacon to all the fans who attend K-State’s home opener against Tennessee is an excellent promotion. I would attend things I cared about way less than a women’s college basketball game for free bacon. Here’s a short list of those things:
– Any Canadian holiday celebration
– Traffic court
– A Westlake High School PTA meeting
– My meetings with the TFM HR Guy in which he explains for the thousandth time what I “can and can’t say” to the UT girls who intern at TFM
– A city comptroller election debate
– Any event where Tea Party members attempt to explain the U.S. Constitution to me
– A campus open forum about diversity and sensitivity
– A class that doesn’t take attendance
– Post-coital small talk (seriously, make me breakfast, and try not to burn the cinnamon rolls either)
– The actual nuptials of a wedding
– A conversation in which someone explains how awesome their fantasy team is doing
– A friend’s poetry reading after which they expect notes
– A Quidditch match
As great as free bacon is, and it is great, I’ve come up with an even better women’s college basketball promotional idea. It’s called, “Heckle Them Like They’re Men Night.” College basketball is, in my estimation, the greatest heckling sport out there. The stakes are generally relatively high, the crowd is as heated as any sporting event in the country, and best of all, thanks to the enclosed space and proximity to the court, the players can usually hear you (unlike in football).
It’s not like the girls couldn’t take it. Women’s basketball players are tough bitches. If that promotion had happened while Brittney Griner was in school, there’s a 70% chance she would have gone Ron Artest on some poor bastard in Bramlage Coliseum.
The night would probably start out pretty awkward, with a few “You sucks” halfheartedly shouted to a smattering of chuckles before, finally, the drunkest guy there screams, “HOW DO YOU MISS THAT LAYUP YOU FUCKING BITCH!?!” Then all bets are off. Any player with a child is getting “Teen Mom (clap clap clap) Teen Mom (clap clap clap)” chanted at them. Somebody’s going to scream, “You look like Lamar and play like Khloé, you ratchet skank!” And, of course, fans would hold up zeroes to rank the attractiveness of all opposing players.
Would this be a horrific display of sexism and classlessness? Sure, but it also wouldn’t be any worse than a Duke game at Maryland. In the spirit of Title IX, this needs to happen. In the meantime, hooray for free bacon.