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Kansas City Royals Force Minor Leaguers To Sit Through Anti-Porn Seminar

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porn kansas city royals

From USA Today:

The Kansas City Royals are taking a stand against pornography. The team hosted a seminar for minor-league players last week with the assistance of anti-porn group “Fight the New Drug.”

Being in the minors must suck. Sure, you’re a few good swings away from living your childhood dream, but you’re also forced to watch anti-porn seminars while the guys in the majors are out having threesomes at will.

I get it, though. The Royals organization didn’t really have a choice. They wanted to take a stance and be all anti-bukakke, but they also knew that zero big leaguers would have showed up.

“Sure, I’ll come; what’s it about? Anti-porn?” — CLICK

Player’s agents would have been calling the GM like crazy. “Hey! My guy’s batting .320 and he jerks off twice a day. Go fuck yourself.”

So I’m not surprised they had to go with the minor league guys. I’m just surprised “Fight The New Drug” thought that the Royal’s minor leaguers were such a splendid target audience.

I mean seriously, could this anti-porn doofus company have chosen to present to a hornier collection of men than minor league baseball players? Minor leaguers are the horniest of us all. They’re nothing but testosterone, drive, and suppressed dreams. It’s the perfect storm for serial masturbation. They’re a group of sailors with bats, matching uniforms and all. Maybe “Fight The New Drug” should’ve flown to the Gulf of Mexico and presented to some guys operating an oil rig.

I actually feel for the players who had to sit through this. Mostly because the word “porn” used in any way, including “anti-porn,” makes men desperately want to watch porn. It’s how our brains work. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to get through this article without firing up Rachel Starr’s latest work. It’s an uncontrollable impulse. It has to suck being forced to attend an anti-porn seminar while the entire time you’re just wishing you were watching an actual porn taking place at an anti-porn seminar. I’d feel such shame.

Just look at that picture. Look at every single dude’s face. That picture is the sneakiest mass-shaming of all time. Cersei wasn’t shamed that hard. I hate seeing stuff like that.

I wonder what kind of data they dropped on these impressionable minor leaguers?

“Porn is the same as marijuana which is the same as heroin.” – Fight The New Drug. Fine, they probably didn’t say that (they very well may have, though). But the thing is that nothing they could have said would ever make a difference. No nugget of scientific, double-blind studied, peer-reviewed data is going to get men to stop having at themselves in front of their computers. The only time men stop watching porn is when our one weird friend challenges us to the classic “7 days of no masturbation.” Other than that, it’s open season on ourselves. And even during the challenge, I’ve found that most men — including myself — often fall by the wayside.

I just fear “Fight The New Drug” is fighting an unwinnable fight. Porn is more widespread than ever, it’s in higher definition than ever (which is awesome), and we have more access to it than ever. But I’ve been wrong before. Maybe “Fight The New Drug” started with the toughest audience they could think of, with the belief that if they could turn this group of habitual masturbating minor leaguers into a well-organized militia of anti-porn soldiers, then they could convert anyone. It’s a bold strategy; we’ll see if it works out for them.

[via USA Today]

Image via Shutterstock

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Rnewtonblock

Ryco is a middling writer and a wildly mediocre stand-up comedian. He runs the unsuccessful Dead Jesters Sketch Comedy Podcast on iTunes.

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