“Look, just tell him you had sex with his wife. That’ll kill him.” – Kosmo Kramer
Ironic that advice came from a Mets fan.
Yesterday, the New York Mets’ mascot, Mr. Met, decided to get in on the social media game and join Twitter.
Sorry everyone, my fingers are too big. What I meant was “I’m on Twitter!” pic.twitter.com/4ZI84Oiw77
— Mr. Met (@MrMet) March 10, 2014
Ha! His fingers are too big for the keyboard! Adorable. Definitely the type of thing you would expect a character designed to entertain children to say. So, of course, Mr. Met’s cartoonish constituents of the MLB mascot world welcomed him with their own goofy greetings via Twitter, right? Wrong, motherfuckers. Twitter is a cutthroat world, even for giant furry caricatures. Instead of chortling out a clownish, “Well hey there, Mister Met!” one MLB mascot decided to go straight for the kill and rip out Mr. Met’s heart. Slugger, the regal lion mascot of the Kansas City Royals, let Mr. Met know exactly who the king of the MLB mascot Twitter world is.
— Sluggerrr (@Sluggerrr) March 10, 2014
Mr. Met, ever the smiling goon, tried to play off Slugger’s dominating power move with a good-natured response.
— Mr. Met (@MrMet) March 10, 2014
Also, being that Slugger is the local lord of the realm of MLB mascots, and given his womanizing past, it seems only likely that the night Mr. and Mrs. Met officially tied the knot, Slugger enacted his ancient right, jus primae noctis–the right of the first night. Slugger definitely exercised his privilege as Mr. Met’s noble to deflower the new bride. Mr. Met can console himself however he likes, but there is no way Slugger hasn’t knocked cleats with Mrs. Met. You just have to hope the memory of Mrs. Met’s torrid night with Slugger doesn’t cause too much domestic stress for the Met couple, but I bet it does.
Mrs. Met: Oh, does it? I hadn’t checked the schedule yet.
Mr. Met: Uh huh…
Mrs. Met: I was probably going to stay home for that one, anyway.
Mr. Met: You weren’t planning on going?
Mrs. Met: No…no. I’ve been so tired lately. I could use some rest.
Mr. Met: It’s okay if you want to go…
Mrs. Met: I don’t want to go.
Mr. Met: I just want us to be honest about it, there’s no reason to–
Mrs. Met: If I wanted to go, then I would go! But I don’t!
Mr. Met: Well why don’t you want to go?
Mrs. Met: Really? REALLY? Oh, I don’t know, maybe because the anthropomorphic lion I had sex with on our wedding night lives in Kansas City! You ever think of that, genius?!
Mr. Met: Well, why didn’t you just say that?
Mrs. Met: Oh, like you really didn’t know that’s what I meant!
Mr. Met: I just hate lying about it, that’s all.
Mrs. Met: I’m not lying about it, I’m trying to forget it. I don’t want to bring it up.
Mr. Met: Well, maybe I do, okay!? Maybe it makes me feel like less of a man when you hide things from me. I think all sorts of things when we don’t communicate about this. I drive myself crazy.
Mrs. Met: You know what drives me crazy? Huh? DO YOU? THINKING ABOUT FUCKING THAT FUCKING LION! THAT’S WHAT DRIVES ME CRAZY! I just want to move on. You shouldn’t feel like less of a man because I keep things from you. You should feel like less of a man because you’re whining about not getting to talk about another guy giving it to your wife!
Mr. Met: Giving it to you? It sounds like you liked it!
Mrs. Met: HERE WE GO! You think I liked being with Slugger?
Mr. Met: I don’t know. Maybe.
Mrs. Met: Fine, you know what? For sex that was enforced by an antiquated and inhumane law, yeah it was pretty fucking great, actually. He knew alllll the right spots to hit. It wasn’t his first time, unlike some people…
Mr. Met: I SAVED MYSELF FOR YOU!
Mrs. Met: Yeah, and those savings lasted all of 40 seconds when I finally got to make a withdrawal. But Slugger? He gave it to me all night long.
Mr. Met: YOU WHORE!
Mrs. Met: And when he was “recharging,” I sat on his crown.
Mr. Met: (gagging) Oh, God.
Mrs. Met: Oh, what? You’re the one who wanted to talk about this. You brought this up! Not so fun, is it? And guess what? Maybe you’re right. Maybe you are less of a man. (Mrs. Met scoffs) You’re not half the man Richard Slugger is, that’s for damn sure.
Mr. Met: Fine. Whatever. Don’t go. It’s for the best, anyway.
(Mrs. Met’s cell phone buzzes. There’s a new text message from Slugger. The text reads, “Hey babe. Heard the Metropolitans are comin’ by this way. How ’bout you and I grab some BBQ and some Boulevards, hit the Plaza, and take a sideways stroll down memory lane. ;)” )
Mrs. Met: You know what? I am going to Kansas City this week.
Mr. Met: Who was that?
(Mrs. Met walks out of the room)
Mr. Met: WHO WAS THAT?!?!
You’ve got to respect Slugger’s Twitter game after a power move like that.
Never mind Slugger, it turns out Mrs. Met is a dirty, adulterous hooker. More MLB mascots have come forward with photographic evidence that they too have done filthy, terrible things to Mrs. Met.
First came the Chicago White Sox mascot, Southpaw.
— White Sox Mascot (@Southpaw) March 11, 2014
Then Slider of the Cleveland Indians, who tweeted out a photo of Mrs. Met in a compromising position with both himself AND Southpaw.
— Slider (@SliderTheMascot) March 11, 2014
Have you no decency Mrs. Met? Getting Eiffel Towered by two baseball playing Furbies? It’s clear the Met marriage is a complete and total sham, not unlike the New York Mets themselves.
In all seriousness, MLB mascots claiming they slammed another mascot’s wife is pretty much the most fantastic mascot rivalry development ever. Please let this continue at least until some feminist at Slate or Jezebel inevitably rains their humorlessness on our fun.