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Kids These Days Just Aren’t Fucking, Would Rather Play Xbox And Vape

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Look, when it comes to eSports, there’s clearly a glaring diversity issue that needs to be addressed.

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But this could be a problem of the past as it seems that there’s been a significant rise in inner city youth turning away from a life of trouble on the streets and staying inside to pick up the sticks.

From The New York Post:

Nearly half of [New York] city teens — 45.6 percent — spend at least three hours a day playing their computer or video games, according to the 2015 biennial Youth Risk Behavior Survey conducted by the federal Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

The percentage of city high schoolers who have had sex fell from 31.2 percent in 2013 to 27.2 percent in 2015 — a record low since the CDC began surveying ninth- through 12th-graders in 1997.

Only 20.9 percent of city kids said they had drunk alcohol in the prior 30 days, down from 24.7 percent in 2013 and 41.8 percent in 2001.

The tobacco smoking rate also dropped from 8.2 percent in 2013 to 5.8 percent in 2015, a continuation of a downward trend. But one in six New York City teens — 15.9 percent — are now using nicotine-laced vaporized products, such as e-cigarettes.

Great to see all those urban eSports after school programs finally paying off. Bob Ley needs to break down this success story on Outside the Lines and insinuate that golf and baseball do the same.

But seriously, after running those numbers and crunching the data, I believe we’re in the midst of a significant cultural revolution as a human species that is both optimistic and terrifying. Less kids nutting means less unwanted pregnancies. As a huge proponent of population control, I chalk that up as a W.

Though, as a former fraternity recruitment chair, I have to sympathize with the current rush committees out there grinding in a modern landscape that’s getting increasingly deluded with socially awkward boners. The pickings seem to be getting awfully slim. Pretty soon the entire rush pool could potentially be nothing but cloud blowing virgins with low alcohol tolerances. And that’s if they even leave the comfort of their vape pen and joystick filled dorms. This could very well be the end of American fraternity life as we know it.

I never wanted to be the old guy shaking his head in disappointment and uttering the words “well in my day,” yet here we are. Looking back, was it sad that me and my buddies’ entire high school lives essentially revolved around Friday and Saturday night? Who’s to say? Perhaps our time during basketball practice or in the classroom could have been better spent than orchestrating the same party at Hutchinson Park week after week. We’ll just never know. But those nights locking down and drinking piss warm 40s and plastic bottle vodka in the suburban woods of Ridley Township were vital experiences in my personal development and growth into the normal, charming young man that stands before you today. And, we were still able to get our fair share of NCAA Football and Madden games in on the side.

So get it together, nerds. Let the Xbox cool down for a few minutes and join the rest of us drinking and fucking our problems away. There’s an entire world out there just waiting to disappoint you outside of your console.

[via The New York Post]

Image via Shutterstock

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Dan Regester

Dan Regester @Dan_Regester is a Senior Writer and Video Guy for Grandex Media. Delco trash. UCF alum. Famous FIJI on Wikipedia. Bit of a gambling problem. Advocate of shipping the homeless to Mars. Email tips to Dan@totalfratmove.com

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