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Labor Day

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Labor Day. It’s like the 4th of July for people who like Fall. It’s basically the day that heralds the beginning of one of the greatest times of the year. College football has kicked off (TCU apparently sucks without gingers) and baseball playoffs are near. It is at this time that I fell it necessary to bring in a small dose of clarity amongst the various Autumn-related shenanigans we’re all sure to take part in during the immediate future.

Labor Day isn’t just a day where idiots stop wearing white (try to tell Mark Twain when he can and can’t wear white suits), it’s also an opportunity for us to take stock in our current status as a labor-based nation. As many of you who believe in things like “commerce” and “business” already know, America is no longer a country with a strong manufacturing core. In simpler terms, we don’t make shit anymore. Our biggest exports are sports drinks, porn, reality TV, and the ability to lie to women to get them in bed.

Obviously it doesn’t directly affect any of us that assembly line jobs are few and far between. I haven’t sat down recently and complained about not being able to get a job controlling robot devices that build Razor scooters. But it speaks a lot about our country that we’re forced to outsource everything from cars to iPods to other countries who are much more lenient about silly things like working conditions and fair wages. You’d think that we could use all our ingenuity to find a way to stay competitive with the Chinese. I mean, they base their entire culture on eating rice and drawing stupid brush drawings in sand. And somehow those kung-fu douchers have not only stolen our jobs, but also our touchstone kids movies about learning discipline from martial arts (I don’t give a shit who you are, Jackie Chan is in no way comparable to Mr. Miyagi).

So, what do we do? Again, I could delve into specific solutions about venture capital funds and an increased focus on quality products made by Americans over penny-cost Beanie Babies, but I am, at my core, an ideas man…and I’m also not getting paid to do this shit. So first solution, let’s not try to create millions of new jobs, let’s just focus on creating one. That job would be the High-Level Ideas Czar. And this won’t be just a title; it’ll be a fucking Cabinet post. And who do we pick to head this new division? Sterling Cooper? Yeah…that fucking guy.

I know what you’re all thinking. The last thing we need is more government control over the private sector, why the hell are you creating an entire new job that seems to do exactly that? And you’re right. Which is why this job won’t have any actual authority over what happens. It’s just (in the words of dear old Teddy) a great bully pulpit. All I need is a big fucking microphone, and the change will come.

I left word with the White House about my new plan, but apparently those guys are taking Labor Day off too. So in the meantime, I’ll do what I had originally planned on doing (beers, lakes, and generally not giving a fuck about health and/or safety). Until such a time that Washington gets serious about getting serious, I will be partying my scrotum off. I suggest you do the same. But feel free to take any and all drunken opportunities to rant about the current state of affairs in our country. That’s what liberty is all about. Ron Paul said so.

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Sterling Cooper

Sterling Cooper is a contributing writer for Total Frat Move and Post Grad Problems. He has never understood why people like sand, and has been in a bitter ten year rivalry with Muggsy Bogues, for reasons neither of them choose to reveal.

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