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Let’s Be Real — Wine Is Disgusting

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There are certain things in life that are hard to admit. Like the fact that Jay-Z hasn’t made a classic in 12 years. Like the fact that Bill Cosby was arguably the greatest stand-up comic ever before we found out that he was literally Satan. Like the fact that Donald Trump kinda looks like a rotting pumpkin. Like the fact that your girlfriend fakes 97% of her orgasms, and the ones that ARE real are only because she’s secretly pretending you’re Ryan Reynolds.

But there’s one myth out there that we NEED to dispel before it fully destroys our souls. We need to finally admit, to each other and ourselves, that wine is fucking gross.

Everyone seems to love wine, especially female women (yes, I understand that was incorrect grammar, that’s the joke, assbag). After a rough week at work, our girlfriends love to sit on the couch, watch some Netflix, and open up a bottle of red wine. Why? I have no goddamn idea, fam.

People say that wine gets better with age, like classic movies or Stifler’s mom. Those people are wrong. All wine tastes like hot garbage. It doesn’t matter whether it’s 50 minutes old or older than Bernie Sanders’ saggy ballsack — it tastes like plain sadness. It does not get better with age, it stays terrible the whole goddamn time, like Vanilla Ice albums or Wally Bryton articles. Sickening.

When I drink wine, I don’t have a good time. I don’t feel like a dude having fun and enjoying my night, I feel like a white suburban mother. When I drink it, I feel like I should be at a boring-as-fuck cocktail party with a bunch of 49-year-old soccer moms, sipping it while I talk about how my son finally made the football team and why rap music is bad for you. It’s a nightmarish hellhole of mind-shattering boringness. Get me out.

Why do we drink wine? Because it’s apparently very fancy and “adult-like.” Once you get to a certain age, our silly society tells us to put down the trashy liquors and put our hands on wine bottles because that’s what grown-ups do! Well, fuck that. I’m sticking to dirty drinks that’ll fuck me up, not a glass of red piss that makes me feel like a grandmother at church on a lackluster Sunday morning.

Girls love wine, and scientists may never be able to find out why. There’s a lot of shit women do that I don’t understand. Why do girls take so long to get ready? Why do they love shoes so much? Why do they enjoy Gilmore Girls? The dialogue in that show makes me wanna shove pencils into my earholes until they penetrate my tiny brain and I internally bleed to death on the couch (which I’m sure you guys would love to see). We may never get it.

So let’s add “Why do they love wine?” to the list of shit we don’t understand about women. Wine is gross as fuck. Grosser than 2 Girls 1 Cup being played on loop in 3D in a movie theater while Nickelback songs play in the background. YUCK.

My point is this: never grow up. Drink that trashy teenage liquor forever. I’m like the Peter Pan of alcohol. Never give into the societal pressures to screw open corks and pour that wine into fancy glasses while you listen to classical music and talk about pretentious paintings. Fuck that.

In conclusion, let me sum this up. Wine tastes like a hobo’s asshole. If I wanted gross red stuff in my mouth, I’d go down on my girlfriend while she’s on her period.

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Wally Bryton

TFM's most beloved writer

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