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You know the saying “Show me a hot girl and I’ll show you a guy who’s tired of fucking her?” Well, I got a saying of my own. It’s “Show me an athlete on a three-month performance slump and I’ll show you the model that’s draining the guy of all bodily fluids.”
I was enjoying my Labor Day weekend via slamming sticky Mickey Ultras, eating burgers, and watching sports. College football, Sox-Yanks, and tennis. Lots of tennis. And it was during the US Open that my weekend was so rudely interrupted when the camera showed that ogre Aaron Judge taking in some tennis with his new chica, who, by all advanced sabermetrics, is an electrical fire thunder factory. And if I were a Yankees fan, I’d be apt to blame her for Judge’s recent struggles.
See, Alex Rodriguez was smart; he waited until retirement to shack up with all-time dick wrecker Jennifer Lopez. Yankees rookie phenom Aaron Judge? Still a rookie, in all phases of the game. He should have waited until after the season to lock down a main, but he didn’t, and he’s hitting .182 in the second half with 72 Ks in only 48 games. Yikes. And I have to think it’s all due to the rocket ship who’s been riding him harder than Jimmy G rides pine for the Patriots.
Let’s meet her, shall we? Her name is Jen Flaum, she’s a recent graduate of the University of Michigan (hail to the victors, indeed), and she’s an 11/10 forest fire that even Smokey the fucking Bear would condone.
Hashtag my Calvins.
Also, her dog is insanely cute bee tee dubs.
As a Red Sox fan, needless to say I’m a big fan of her work..
Image via Instagram/@jflaumy