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Life After College Is Terrible

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For a long time, I thought life after college would be some sort of movie-like sequence. I saw myself wearing a suit in a dimly lit bar, drinking expensive whiskey and laughing out loud at mature humor while grabbing my sexy, out-of-my-league girlfriend’s ass. We would enjoy our drinks, then head home and have crazy sex, utilizing positions previously unknown to mankind. The next morning I’d head to my high-paying job, where I treat my interns just the same as pledges, except worse.

Life after college is nothing like this. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. I currently find myself at home drinking Busch Light, eating spicy jalapeño Cheetos, and getting a boner every time Flo (The Progressive Girl) comes on during commercial breaks.

There are no more frat parties for me. No more all-night drinking sessions leading to hungover test-taking. No more bong hits with the Jimmy John’s delivery driver (just kidding — that shit never stops).

Life after college is a nightmare up from which we all will never wake. Do you remember what it was like when you were pledging and those old dudes would come back to the fraternity house during Homecoming? They were all bald and old and had kids and mortgages, but that didn’t stop them from partying the hell out of that weekend. One time I watched an older graduate throw a full handle of cheap vodka off the third story balcony because he hated “Russians and everything they stood for…” even though the vodka was called “The American Vodka.” Do you want to know why the graduate brothers are like this when they come back for Homecoming? It’s because they are all living the same nightmare of adulthood every day, and, for just a little while, they are able to live again.

I’m not here to burst anyones bubble. Everyone knows that you don’t have to grow up. You can be the “Peter Pan” of campus, getting four degrees and living in the fraternity house until you’re 29. I mean, you’ll be judged hardcore and everyone will call you “Gramps,” but that is your decision to make.

Believe me, it sucks living the post-college, not-going-to-campus-bars-anymore, why-do-I-always-black-out-now lifestyle. I wish no one had to go through it, and we could all just stay in our frat mansions until the day we die from alcohol poisoning with a side of titty overdose. I guess my point is that you have to enjoy your college years while you have them. Enjoy the drinks, enjoy the parties, and enjoy the lifestyle. Enjoy them for those of us that can’t anymore — those soon-to-be old guys at Homecoming.

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