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Life Is Better With Read Receipts On

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Life Is Better With The Read Receipts On

I’ve turned my read receipts on. You, like many of the people I’ve been telling, are probably thinking I’m crazy. The random person I told on the subway responded by saying, “Why are you talking to me? Your breath smells.” My brother told me that I was crazy because now girls will know when I’ve read their texts. And I’d ask the question: Who is honestly more crazy? The guy who acknowledges that he’s read a girl’s text, or the girl who asks, “Hey, are you going out tonight?” and gets no response an hour later. Then figures he went to the gym. A few hours later she assumes he saw the text before working out and got distracted. She sends a “We’re just hanging at my place” text. Another hour goes by, she wonders out loud to friends if she should text again. She ignores the fact that nobody responds. She checks his tweets and Facebook and Instagram for posts. No posts. He must be so busy. She sends a “This bar is packed!” text, then a “Where are youuuuu” text, then a “pizzaaaa’s good” text. At this point the screen is all blue and she’s doing a Cookie Monster impression. So who is more crazy?

I understand why people are a little bit taken aback by the decision. We are all lying to one another about texting. I’ve sent the “Just saw this” text to someone I didn’t feel like answering. I’ve texted “Who’s this? New phone” when it was someone I didn’t deem important enough to make a contact. I’ve told people “I passed out so early” when I just spent the night drinking with better options. We’ve all told these lies because it’s nicer than the reality. The craziest part is that we half-believe those lies when we receive them. It’s a lot easier to believe that our friends are our friends than it is to believe that we just didn’t make the cut that night.

But the most shocked? Single girls. They can’t handle it. I’ve had the receipts on for three days and a few friends have straight up asked me, “What’s with the read receipts?” It was like I brought back a bad memory of a guy who didn’t respond to their texts. It was like I showed up to a party with Malibu rum. Malibu rum scares girls because every girl has had a Malibu rum experience. It starts out great. It’s a delicious drink that gets you drunk. Then she gets a little too comfortable drinking Malibu. Her shots get bigger. The drinks become a little bit stronger. Now Malibu is more of an enemy than a friend. Within a month, she wakes up next to a toilet with mascara all over her face from the dried up tears. She sees the read receipts the same way. She liked it at first. It’s refreshing and delicious to see a guy read your text and write back within a reasonable amount of time. Then they hook up. She gets a little too comfortable and those text-back times get longer. Now her friend, the read receipt, becomes an enemy. She’s staring at it way too long. She’s creating her own stories. A month later, there she is, next to that Malibu toilet again.

I understand all of these fears but I’ve been living in a read receipt world and loving it. The only reason I turned them on was thanks to an email I received on the AVN Award winning JTrain Podcast. A guy wrote in to tell the listeners that turning them on has been a “power move.” The email was written so quickly it was like he was warning us of an incoming attack. He’s a modern day Paul Revere. “The blowjobs are coming! The blowjobs are coming! Read receipts will get you blown” was basically the message. I’d disagree a bit. I don’t think of this as a “power move” as much as a shift towards honesty. The “Read” message is you being honest and gives the other person the choice to join you or not. In three days I’ve had three girls apologize for literally nothing. They sent a text. I read it. Never thought to even respond. And they wrote back stuff like “Sorry if that came off harsh,” and “Sorry I text a lot at night,” and an upside down smiley face which I guess is 2016 for “Sorry, I’m now checked into an insane asylum.”

What I’m finding out is that the read receipt cuts out the bullshit. If someone sends you something passive aggressive, the “Read” is the same as saying, “If you want to talk to me like that, I’m not interested.” If someone asks you a dumb question it’s like saying “Try again.” If a girl says she can’t meet at 2 a.m. and suggests Saturday night at 8, the “Read” is me telling her exactly what I’m looking for in a relationship. Turning on the read receipt lets you say everything you want with no words at all.

Join me, boys. The blow jobs are coming.

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Jared Freid (@jtrain56) is a New York City-based comedian who has been featured on MTV’s Failosophy and is the host of The JTrain Podcast presented by TFM.

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