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Listen To The Insane Voicemail These Laxers Got From A Pissed Off Stripper Service

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A reader recently sent us a heated voicemail he received while spending last weekend in Tallahassee, Florida for a few club lacrosse games with his buddies. After some geebs, a few dingers, and probably at least one gnarly low-to-high through the back door, the laxers put down their spoons and got good and drunk. At 2 AM they decided to call “College Playmates” to order some strippers. But fate had other plans for our lax bros’ faces other than being smacked with silicon chesticles that night. Instead, they were met by an angry voicemail from Miss Trish. I don’t know what they said to the titter hotline, but the stripper pimp lady was PISSED. Take a listen.

“You’re kind are the ones that flunk outta school and become nobodies.” Kind of ironic coming from a middle-aged stripper.

Again, I don’t know what “nastiness” these guys said to illicit such a response, but based on the voicemail, I assume he inquired about the density of the dancer’s bush — a valid question for any lady of the night. Maybe there’s still bad blood between strippers and laxers from the Duke thing. Maybe the lady is overreacting due to drug-induced psychosis (very possible — not only does she live in Tallahassee, but she has a certain methy quality to her voice).

But maybe the men creeped the girls out on the phone. Maybe they got a little too aggressive with their questions or colorful with their language. Can’t be doing that. Lots of sickos out there call up strippers so they can kill them or sell them into sex trafficking or some shit. That’s why they always have a big dude in a leather jacket accompany them on out-calls. Don’t blow the night by getting too excited on the phone call. Further — and I’m going to get real sentimental here for a second — somewhere beneath the fake hair and the fake boobies lies a real person, with real hopes and real dreams of grinding on a dick that will stuff enough cash in her thong to put her through veterinary school. You saw Independence Day. Sure, Will Smith’s wife was a lady of the night, but she was also a pretty dope lady who ended up saving the president’s wife. I guess what I’m trying to say is… treat all strippers like Will Smith’s wife in Independence Day. They might go on to save the First Lady someday. Or at least blow you for just a couple hundred more.

BUT WAIT. Before I hit publish, our caller responded with exactly what he said to Trish.

I called a bunch of clubs that night trying to get a girl to come back so it’s all kinda mixed together. I talked to someone from College Playmates and they had a blocked number call. The girl asked what age I was looking for in the girl and if I wanted a girl that specialized in anything. Curiously, I asked about them doing stuff with their butts and they said they’d call back. After waiting about 30 minutes I called back and got a voicemail box that said to leave a request and they’d call back. I said something along the lines of anal then said just make sure the pussy is shaved then hung up. I feel like this call couldn’t be too out of the ordinary for Trish and her company.

You heard it here first, folks. College Playmates is anti #ButtStuff2016. Shut it down. There just isn’t room for that kind of backward thinking in today’s society.

These guys were well within their bounds, especially since College Playmates asked the men if they wanted a girl who specialized in something. You can’t ask a man what his depraved sexual fantasies are and then go ape shit when he tells you honestly. I’m disappointed in you, Trish. Don’t shame a man for his kinks, especially in your line of work.

Image via YouTube

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Alex Buscemi

AKA Boosh. Former high school back-up wide receiver. Author of two pretty successful Reddit comments. Recent grad from the University of South Carolina.

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