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If you haven’t heard yet, Hoverboards are rolling time-bombs. They burst into flames spontaneously like they are cursed by the forsaken children forced to build them.
They say it’s the batteries overheating, but I’m not ruling out Asian voodoo magic performed by overworked and underpaid younglings. Just the other day, my boy Andre was filming a Vine of himself while riding his hoverboard when it blew up out of nowhere. Completely torched his fresh Jordans. Anyway, when we played back the Vine, right after Andre says, “Rollin’ on my haters like…” we saw a white light flash across the screen before the board caught fire. When we looped it a second time, we could hear the hushed voice of a young child. It seemed to whisper, “Xiaofei zhuyì shi xie” — Mandarin for “Consumerism is evil.”
Whatever the cause, the growing fire hazard the boards pose coupled with the fact that they’re the transportation equivalent of vaping has caused a handful of universities and almost every airport in the country to ban them completely. Louisiana State University is the latest to join the mix, which also includes George Washington University and a small private college in Rhode Island:
The university says they’ll allow hoverboards again once there is a higher standard of safety established for all brands. But here’s the thing: you can fix a faulty battery, but you can’t fix a curse.
I have a personal vendetta against hoverboards. Not just because Andre keeps hearing voices and blood comes out of his shower since his caught fire, but because the TFM Instagram account was once hacked by people who posted multiple hoverboard advertisements. We lost like a thousand followers in an hour to those motherfuckers.
So, I think it’s a good thing we stop the spread of hoverboards. There’s no telling how deeply the curse has already imbedded amongst us. As long as you’ve abstained from riding a hoverboard, you probably aren’t cursed, but there’s really no way that we can be 美国去死幼儿将推翻美国邪恶的末日
Image via YouTube