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Ladies and gentlemen, let’s take a moment to be thankful for Mr. Christopher Bridges, the man who has provided a phenomenal soundtrack to all of our worst decisions. You may know this modern day saint by the name “Ludacris,” a word that roughly translates to “The One True God Of Drunken Jams” according to an ancient language that I just made up. Nowadays, dumbass youngsters may only recognize him from the popular Fast & Furious films (all 87 of ‘em). But once upon a time, not very long ago, Luda made the best party music that this planet (or any planet) has ever heard.
Ludacris will always be the king of drunk music. There are no artists who have made better party anthems over the years. Most Ludacris songs make you wanna get so drunk you’ll forget your own name. Try blasting “Act A Fool” without getting so pumped up that you almost go into cardiac arrest. Try listening to “Move Bitch” or “Get Back” without wanting to start a fist fight with a stranger.
After years of strenuous scientific research, Ludacris singlehandedly discovered the mathematical formula behind making the best songs to which one can rage. Picture Ludacris wearing glasses and a lab coat, writing complex equations on a chalkboard and fucking around with test tubes and Bunsen burners. Thats exactly how it went down.
I don’t care how shy and reserved you think you are — if you’re at a party and “Stand Up” plays, your body will automatically be dragged to the dance floor by unseen forces of nature. When you hear the words, “When I move you move,” everyone on the dance floor will involuntarily scream “JUST LIKE THAT” in perfect unison like a church choir or a creepy cult. If you’ve had even half a sip of any alcoholic beverage, the sound of “Money Maker” or “Rollout (My Business)” will literally change your body chemistry. It’ll give you superhuman confidence and even temporary super-strength. Don’t try to understand this feeling; its incomprehensible to the human mind. Just enjoy it.
This isn’t an opinion, it is a widely accepted fact. Last year during the election, it’s the only thing Hillary and Donald agreed on. Everyone loves Ludacris. He taught us how to graduate from just having hoes in different area codes to eventually pimping all over the world. Inspiring. Just one shot of Jack Daniel’s and one verse from “My Chick Bad” or “What’s Your Fantasy” and you’ll have enough euphoric arrogance to shoot your shot with any girl, no matter how hilariously out of your league she is (she’ll still reject you, but thats not the point.)
In the 2000s, no rapper did a better job of making music to which you could get hammered. Ludacris is more than a rapper; he’s an abstract concept that represents all of our worst decisions..
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