In today’s Mailbag, we finally hear from the all-boys prep school sect of Dallas. Our emailer, a student of St. Marks preparatory school in Big D, is evidently pretty fed up with one of his classmates — so fed up, in fact, that he is considering the ultimate solution: homicide. He’s seeking my advice.
I had a really tough time crafting this title, by the way. When an emailer describes his classmate so colorfully with language like “new money Lebanese trash,” as well as informing me that he cheats in math class and is a quintessential high school try-hard that he wants to murder, it’s difficult deciding which parts belong in a title, given the limited number of characters. I think the one I chose really brings it home.
His email is below.
I need help. I go to St. Marks in Dallas, and there is a kid in my grade that is really obsessed with TFM. He was the first person to show it to me, and bases his life around it. He is also new money Lebanese trash, and I cant stand him. He owns half of the Rowdy Gentleman catalouge, and was recently boasting about getting a pair of the Texas flag swim trunks in small so they would go to mid thigh and would be “super badass”. He also cheats in math and I want to murder him.
Okay. I just spoke with the Grandex legal counsel and we decided it’s best that I do not publicly advise you to take the life of your classmate, no matter how deserving you think it is — strictly for legal reasons. Our lawyer is usually bogged down with internet misdemeanor type stuff, like copyright infringements and the like, and I really don’t know how I feel about plopping down a murder accessory on his plate at this time.
This poor kid. He might just need a little time to figure it all out. Cut him some slack, tough guy. Some guys take a little longer to get the big picture. That’s all. No harm in that. One day he’s trying on clearance rack shirts in the Polo Outlet dressing room and the next minute he’s getting shivved and bleeding out all over last season’s oxfords.
The crime simply doesn’t fit the punishment.
And look, you can’t just go around offing kids all willy-nilly like that. We’re talking life sentence in the clink because your classmate wore Chubbies too many days in a row. Seems trivial in the whole scheme of things, man. You know? You’re going to share a cell with a hardened criminal who literally beat the life out of some guy because his wife and mother of his child had an affair with him. That’s a real motive. Sneaking in answers to an Algebra 2 test and wearing nut-hugging Texas flag swim trunks falls fairly short of a legitimate reason to take someone’s life, even if he is “new money Lebanese trash” (off the record, that’s an A+ insult by the way).
Maybe consider sparing his life and just taking the old-fashioned high school route of shamelessly ridiculing him at his locker until he cries, or maybe flip his meal tray in the cafeteria in front of the entire senior class. Just kidding. Don’t do that. Bullying is a serious issue (*wink*)..
If you would like to submit a Mailbag question, email Dillon at firstname.lastname@example.org (not .com). Be sure to include “MAILBAG” in your subject.