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Mailbag: Deciding Whether Or Not To End A Relationship, Seeking Medical Advice In The Wrong Places

This is a recurring TFM series. Catch up with all installments of Mailbag by visiting the archive.

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Welcome to the TFM Mailbag, wherein I will answer your questions to the best of my ability. Send your questions to wescp4441@gmail.com. No topics are off limits.

Hey Wes,

Heading into my senior year of college, but my girlfriend is graduating a semester early. We’re pretty serious and I know she wants us to stay together after she graduates…but in my head I’m leaning towards breaking it off then. Should I just end it now to try and save her some heartache in the long run, end it when she graduates, or try and make things work long-distance during my last semester of undergrad? I would really appreciate an outside opinion on this.

I could berate you for taking advantage of another person’s feelings, but you’re doing her a greater disservice here. By not breaking it off now, you’re limiting all the postgrad dick your girlfriend will be getting in her first semester out in the real world. Why would you want to do a thing like that? As you said, your options are to break it off now, end it when she graduates, or try to make it work long distance for the foreseeable future. That last option is clearly something you don’t want to do, so let’s cross that one off.

In my outside opinion, the funniest option would be to break up with her when she graduates. For this to go down as smoothly as possible, I recommend ending the relationship while she and her family are celebrating her graduation from college. With all the emotions flying around on a day like that, she practically won’t notice! But in all realness, it sounds like you should’ve broken things off yesterday.

Ay,

So the other day we were throwing a massive day rager at my fraternity house, and someone had the brilliant idea of assembling a slippin’ slide in our backyard once we were all good and drunk. I got way too much of a running start and ended up sliding past the end and into the grass, where a shard of glass from a beer bottle got wedged in my foot. It’s been two days, and the redness is subsiding a little bit but it’s still in a good deal of pain. What do you think I should do?

Dude. Go to a fucking licensed medical practitioner. That’s the only advice I’ll give you. I’ll probably never know how much blood is on my hands from the terrible advice I’ve given in this column series, but yours will not be added. See a doctor.

Yo Wes,

My parents were going to take me on a graduation trip with me a back in May, but schedules didn’t work out and they ended up just giving me some money to go on a trip of my own with some friends. They gave me a little over a thousand bucks with the stipulation that I have to use it on a trip. I’ve already decided which friends I’m bringing along, and we’re just trying to figure out where we should go. We’re trying to do this thing in the second week of August, and any advice/suggestions would help. Thanks!

So I’m going to exclude foreign destinations for this trip, unless you consider Cabo or Vancouver to be foreign destinations. If you’re west of the Mississippi or can find a cheap flight, you have Vegas, Boulder, San Diego, the Grand Canyon, Yellowstone, and about a thousand more great options. Vegas jumps out as a great postgrad trip destination, but remember that the city was built on a giant black hole that sucks up your money. Also, it’s best not to do a weeklong trip there, as you will be a burnt-out shell of a person by the time you return home. It would be best to pair Vegas with the Grand Canyon or some of Utah’s national parks.

If you’re trying to go somewhere east of the Mississip’, I’m going to recommend a good old-fashioned Gulf tour. What do I mean by that? Well, you start in Houston, where you’ll enjoy the world-class Vietnamese food and jam out to some Slim Thug, Paul Wall, and Z-Ro at the clubs. Then, you’ll head on east through the rest of the Gulf Coast, hitting New Orleans, Gulf Shores, Pensacola, Panama City Beach, and Tampa, then eventually ending up in Miami to celebrate the completion of your tour. Admittedly that’s just something I’ve always wanted to do, but I think it would be a hell of a time.

Remember to send any and all questions you have to wescp4441@gmail.com.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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