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In today’s Mailbag, we deal with a young gun who is struggling to score with the senior girls at his school.
Siblings, I know you’re about to call me a pussy and tell me how younger girls are better anyway, but I just finished my freshman year and I want to slay a senior. I’ll be on campus all summer taking classes and avoiding my parents (long story) so I feel like I’ll have ample opportunity to slide in some over-aged strange. Any suggestions?
First of all, let me reassure you that, yes, you’re right — I do adhere to the Philadelphia 76ers “perpetual youth movement” when it comes to women. However, I can understand how a young guy like yourself who’s probably only experienced sex as disappointing as the notches in my bedpost, would want to find an older lady capable of giving a shiatsu massage with her kegel muscles. I’m flattered you’d reach out to an anonymous freelance writer with your concerns, so here are my five best tips:
5. Get a good Fake ID
Scans, black light, the whole fucking thing. Pick a name that suits your skin color and actual name. This is crucial. Going to the college bars that laugh at fakes knowing they’re the “underclassmen” establishments are chock-full of the kind of girls I want but you apparently don’t: legal, but just barely.
Get a good fake and go to classier establishments where the clientele has actually had their first period, or two.
4. Dress better
Yes, the freshmen girls think your lax penny and two-inch inseams are cool, which might score you a dry handy or the sort of regretful welcome week sex she will remember but you won’t, but we’re aiming higher here. Don’t go full European feminine “insert in my ass” either, but a solid button down, chinos, and a pair of shoes you don’t work out in is a great start. No woman will believe a 24-year-old man is wearing a tank to the bar. Well, she might, but she isn’t the woman you’re looking for.
3. Drink better
Do you have your dad’s credit card? Fuck I hope so. Real girls don’t want cheap beer and bottom shelf motor oil. Depending on the city you’re in, bumping that Burnette’s to a respectable Titos/Absolut will cost you 2 to 3 bucks a drink. It’s worth it. At the very least, do not, at any point, double fist, do a “bomb” of any kind (unless she requests it, or it is Sake based), and, for the love of God, do not tell her your favorite liquor is Jägermeister.
If you can’t afford it, go to the bar and order tequila shots. Tell her they’re Patron. No drunk college girl can tell the difference. Which brings me to number two:
2. Bend the truth a bit
Yes, PC crowd, I know “true love is based on trust!” I agree, but this is the sort of love that is much more humping in an Applebee’s restroom than standing under the alter, if you catch my drift. Tell her you have an impressive internship, you’re extremely interested in her stories (no matter how banal), and invent an ex amazingly from the same city she is. In doing this, you demonstrate it is possible someone could ever care about and even love you (while we know at this point this is unlikely) without getting pathetic and longing for that chick who fucked you over in high school.
You’re going pre-med or pre-law (this technically isn’t a lie yet since after 25-30 credits you will probably try to withdraw from after drinking and pledging your way to a 1.6 GPA). Keep your major options wide open.
1. Change how you speak
This does not mean adopt a new accent, though in all fairness women in their early to mid-20s harbor an irrational love for the Australians. A more mature girl requires a more mature you. Don’t talk about TFM (seriously, especially not this article you read). Be interested in what you have to say, and avoid phrases like “the South will rise again!” literally any line you’ve read off of DeVry’s Tinder Pick-Up Lines, and anything inherently sexist, racial, or misogynistic.
You’re an upstanding gentleman interested in a short term stay in her nether regions. Behave as such.
Give this a shot and I promise your batting average with the elder ladies will explode. Or, like me, realize the female body after several years of binge drinking, late-night pizza runs, and a plethora of strange dick shockingly does not improve..