The drunk sleep-pisser is pretty common. Let’s get that out of the way. I think over half of my inner circle has done it at some point, and some of them do it routinely. The “Wet Bandits,” they call themselves. It’s like a badge of dishonor they take actual pride in. Idiots. We all know someone who tends to sleep-piss when they get drunk, right? Every group has at least one. You might even be the sleep-pisser of your friends.
In this week’s Mailbag, we hear from Blake. Blake is a bit distraught over his friend’s sleep-pissing. His email is below.
Dear fuck face Dorn,
My dear friend seems to have a bit of a problem; every time this guy blackouts out he somehow finds his way out of his theoretical final destination for the night and ends up taking a steamy piss on a wall, floor, or whatever unlucky bastard is unfortunate enough to be within the blast radius of his stream of Coors Light/George Dickle toxic waste. I guess I’m asking for some sort of story that you have of one of your buddies that had this very problem that could make me sleep better, maybe what I am searching for is advice. Advice on how to get this guy to stop sleep walking and pissing on our floor and friends. Look Dorn, this isn’t some once in a blue moon coincidence, this is a real fucking problem that is sweeping the University of Tennessee Knoxville and I think that you may have the theoretical key to this theoretical equation.
Thanks and fuck you,
He attached a video, too. I don’t know the rules about showing people urinating, and while you can’t really see his thing, I’m playing it cool and showing you a censored still from the vid.
First of all, why do you have to come out swinging with “fuck face Dorn”? I’m a human being with human being emotions, man. You dickweed. And how many scenarios in real life can you precede the seeking of advice with such an egregious insult? Probably none. Only here, I guess. Lucky me.
Alright, so you want to know how to get this guy to stop sleep-pissing all over the house? The answer is simple: You can’t. That shit’s hardwired in. It’s natural, and you can’t beat nature. He eats when he’s hungry. He sleeps when he’s tired. He nuts when he’s horny. And he pisses on walls when he’s drunk. There is nothing you can do to change that, except for obviously getting him to stop drinking, which I assume won’t be happening.
I do have a story of my own about a friend who has this problem, only my sleep-pissing friend is a girl. I witnessed it firsthand one time while a group of our friends took a roadie to South Padre Island many years ago.
My friend, we’ll call her Lisa, was staying in the bedroom adjacent to mine. We rented a three-bedroom condo for the weekend. The day and night went just as you’d expect. We hit the beach and the bars and drank the entire day. Lisa turned up.
We all passed out at the end of the night. Then, at about 4 a.m., I woke up to the sound of my bedroom door swinging open like it was kicked in, swat team-style. It was Lisa’s drunk ass. She was sleep-walking. I couldn’t look away. Something story-worthy was going to happen. She walked to the center of the bedroom, took her Norts and undies off, and squatted right there on the carpet. After urinating for what seemed like 10 minutes and emptying what seemed like 10 gallons of steamy piss on the carpet, she stood up, walked to my closet, and began rummaging through my suitcase.
I had always heard not to wake a sleep walker. Something about them becoming startled and turning homicidal or something, so I let her do her thing. She finally emerged from the closet wearing my khaki pants, walked back to her room, and went to bed.
The next morning, she woke up very confused until I directed her toward her piss-covered panties on my bedroom floor and explained that I got a full beav shot at 4 a.m.
Anyway, that’s my story. We all have them, Blake. You fuck..