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Mailbag: My Girlfriend Measures My Penis Because It Has Shrunk 2 Inches Over The Years

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I’m pretty positive dicks don’t shrink. I’m not a doctor or a dick expert so don’t cite this article in your next research paper on the shrinkage of penises, but I’m pretty positive dicks don’t just go off shrinking naturally. Our emailer isn’t taking gender transformative hormones, and I feel confident saying that because I feel like he would have mentioned it. Plus I don’t even know if hormone replacement would shrink a hangdown.

Now obviously there are certain circumstances that cause the human penis to shrink temporarily — exposing it to cold water, for example — but that’s just temporary. The dick will return to its normal size and shape eventually, once it warms up. This guy is claiming his dick has shrunk two inches over the past three years. From seven inches to five. He knows this because his girlfriend measures his dick regularly.

His email is below.

Hey Dillon,

No joke, I’m starting to freak out. My dick had shrunk two inches. I used to be 7″ three years ago. Last year I was 6″. Today I’m 5″. I didn’t make up those numbers, my girlfriend actually measures me with a tape measure. Don’t ask, I don’t know why, and frankly it’s pretty humiliating.

But what do I do? I read that if you dot “use” your erections, you lose them. Muscle atrophy, or something like that. I’m pretty active with my girl, but ever since reading that, I’ve been slapping my meat so much the skin is cracked and bleeding.

I’m an unremarkable human being whose only bragging point was his above average penis. Now that’s gone. Save me, Obi-Dorn Kenobi, you’re my only hope (outside of a qualified, licensed physician).

*******
Sent from my iPhone

PS No, you can’t see any pictures, because I know better!

PPS I’m not making this up, and I’m looking for advice, and preferably from someone with a smaller wiener so I can still feel like a man

Look, you little-dicked bastard, I don’t know what to tell you. And I’m not sure why you think I’m your go-to guy for dick shrinkage talk. My dick has been the same length since I was about 16 years old, so I can’t relate. I doubt your dick is actually shrinking, but if it is, you should definitely talk to a professional. You’ve got that Benjamin Button of the dick disease. Maybe there’s a cure. Maybe a doctor can reverse the effects. But I’m not your guy. Talk to someone who knows about dicks and why they shrink and how to get them to return to their normal size.

And listen, they’re doing amazing things with science and technology these days. The other day we read about this dude who had a bionic penis attached after losing his real one in a horrific accident. And every woman in town is trying to take a ride on it. That’s big.

You can shove that PPS right up your ass, too. You really trying to ask me for advice then imply I have a little D? I’m glad your dick is shrinking. I hope it keeps shrinking. I hope you’re left with a nub at the end of this.

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Dillon Cheverere

Dillon Cheverere (@DCheverere) is the Vice President of Media for Grandex, Inc. Email: dillon@grandex.co

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