Two Mailbags in one week? Yeah, two Mailbags in one week. The content of the email in this one, though, is much more coherent than the last one. Unfortunately, it’s not nearly as funny, but it’s equally deserving of a response–even more so, actually. This dude is bummed out at the thought of his “super cute” sister losing her virginity to his scummy fraternity brothers. It’s an actual issue this time. A few of you can relate, I’m sure.
He sees the loss of his sister’s purity as inevitable, and it is. He’s trying to cope with it. It’s a punchcard he doesn’t want punched, especially by his friends–guys whose hole punchers he’s maybe a little too familiar with, and have been mixed up with maybe a lot punchcards, punchcards with, perhaps, lots of holes in them.
Here’s the email:
I’m emailing you from an anonymous account because this is a weird fucking question and it’s hard enough to ask you about this.
My baby sister is a freshman that now attends [name of university redacted] with me – super cute, funny as fuck, and better at shotgunning beers than half of my brothers. Following in my footsteps, she’s quickly becomign a functional alcoholic.
I’m pretty busy with house shit, but I’m still her older brother and I’d still punch a kid in the nuts for her. The thing is, baby sis is a virgin. That was the way she wanted things, but now she’s apparently “ready” or what the fuck ever, and wants me to introduce her to some of the guys in my fraternity.
I’m not okay with my sister ending up getting gang banged by my brothers, like no, fuck that. Dude, I’d rather YOU fuck her than one of my brothers. I know that she’s going to do what she wants, but I don’t know how to handle this. She’s always been this romantic, but since entering college and the binge drinking life style, she’s turned into an animal. She hardly comes back to the apartment, and with the accumulation of hookups and shack shirts, I know that this will probably be inevitable.
Should I just bite the bullet and set her up with someone I know, or should I try to calm her the fuck down and remind her that she used to “wait for love?”
Whatever, sorry for the sappy bullshit, I’m just freaked the fuck out and I really need some advice, man.
This is an easy one. You’re not gonna like it, but it’s easy. I’ve only got two things to say to you:
1. She’s lying to you for your own sanity, man. She’s not a virgin anymore. Kids grow up. Sorry. The only thing you can do at this point is accept the reality that your baby sister is knocking boots.
2. “Dude, I’d rather YOU fuck her than one of my brothers.”