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There are many reasons to join a fraternity; there are actually two in the above photo alone. Right, guys? Right? Seeing as how we’re already in August (where did the summer go?), and with the beginning of fall semester just weeks away, I figured it’s as good a time as any to delve into a topic of discussion that begins any fraternal tale: fraternity rush. In this edition of the Mailbag, a soon-to-be college freshman seeks advice about joining a fraternity, or, more particularly, whether or not he should join. I’m sure many of you can relate to this youngster’s query. Of course, when thoughts of “Go Greek or stay GDI?” passed through your minds, it’s doubtful a place like TFM would be where you sought advice.
As a reader of the site, you’d think this guy’s decision would be a no-brainer. To add, one would have to assume that I’d be an overwhelming proponent of rushing, seeing as how our target demographic is Greek members, and also, you know, our website is satirically based on fraternity culture. I’ll do what I can for the kid, though.
Here’s the email:
Hello Uncle Roger,
As I get ready to start my freshman year at college, I couldn’t be more excited but one issue is bothering me. I’m not sure if I should join a frat or not. I’m like a libertarian of Greek life, I see pros and cons of joining or remaining independent. I hate cargo short wearing bros and guys wearing affliction tees constantly asking me to try crossfit, but I also hate the try hards that end up on fail Friday just as much. Chubbies and a blazer look stupid, I had to get that off my chest.
Thanks in advance,
First of all, thanks for being somewhat literate. It’s a rarity around these parts, and it is much appreciated. You’re already ahead of the curve.
You’ll die alone, depressed, and goddamned independent.
Now to your point. I’m going to tell you exactly what you’re gonna do. Listen, and listen carefully. If you deviate from my advice, even skipping or altering the slightest detail, it may ruin everything. You’ll die alone, depressed, and goddamned independent. Look, you’re going to rush. Don’t even try to throw any counterpoints at me, because they’ll fall on deaf ears. You’re fucking going. They’re not going to know what they’re in for, either. You’ll blow ’em away. You’re going to walk into each house heavy-footed and proudly, like you own the place — chest out, chin up, your best pair of boat shoes on, wearing the shortest khaki shorts you can find, shaking hands and kissing babies. After you meet a few people and crack your first beer, ask to speak to the rush chair in each house. Introduce yourself to him, shake his hand, then say the following, word for word:
“I’m not sure if I should join a frat or not. I’m like a Libertarian of Greek life. I see pros and cons of joining or remaining independent. I hate cargo short wearing bros and guys wearing Affliction tees constantly asking me to try CrossFit, but I also hate the try-hards that end up on Fail Friday just as much. Chubbies and a blazer look stupid. I had to get that off my chest.”
you could then tell him your goal this semester was to lock in a 2.0 GPA and get his sister pregnant, and he’d love you for it.
At this point, you’ve got him right where you want him. He’s putty in your hands. He’s sure to be in such awe from the spiel you just laid on him, you could then tell him your goal this semester was to lock in a 2.0 GPA and get his sister pregnant, and he’d love you for it. This is when you seal the deal and do something memorable and dramatic. You already have a beer in your hand, so it might be best to go with something simple like pounding the rest of it, crushing it in your hand, then throwing it against the wall behind the rush chair’s head with authority.
Talk about impressed. After he tucks his boner in, if he doesn’t extend a bid to you on the spot and offer to introduce you to everyone in the house, it’s because he’s a bottom tier loser and you’re better off moving on to the next house.
What I’m ultimately trying to say is, you’ve got it all figured out already. And you haven’t even set foot on campus yet. We call that a blue chip rush prospect. First round potential. The kind of commitment you build an entire pledge class around. They’ll be bouncing potential rush prospects off you and telling stories about you.
By the way, here’s a sneak peek at your comments below:
– “What a high school try-hard.”
– “Fuck this kid!”
– “No bid.”
– “I want to haze this pussy so bad.”
– “I want to haze him until he stops breathing.”
– “You’re a lost soul. A lost, helpless, blind soul without even a remote grasp on what it’s all about outside your little bubble. Fuck you.”
Just remember, the people who say these things are bottom tiers. You’re a blue chip. You were born to rush.