Mailbag: Using Psychological Torture To Make Someone Love You

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make out psychological

Welcome to the TFM Mailbag, wherein I will answer your questions to the best of my ability. Send your questions to No topics are off limits.

I’ll be focusing in on just one question today, and it comes from a girl who needs some relationship advice. She could’ve easily written to an advice columnist who doesn’t just make fun of their readers, but she chose me because I regularly serve up lethal doses of great advice. Let’s see what her predicament is.

Hi Wes!!

I read your column literally every week and now I’m in a situation where I need your advice so please PLEASE HELP.

So long story short, I met a guy at school and we’ve been talking (aka sleeping together and going on real dates etc) for two months so it’s more than just sex and I have developed ~feelings~ for him. I really like spending time with him and he feels the same but the timing of this is literally awful.

It’s currently finals week and he is about to graduate with his Masters in Accounting and is studying/working towards his CPA now and over the summer in Kansas City, meanwhile I am about to to go Denver for my dream internship with a national sports team. Denver is about eight hours from his school and I won’t have time to come and visit and he probably won’t be able to visit me this summer either because of studying and work. He will be staying in KC after graduation so distance is only a factor for the summer.

Our current plan now is to keep casually talking over the summer and pick things back up in the fall, but I’m wondering how realistic of a plan this is. We aren’t going to be exclusive (as far as I know) over the summer because of distance and his last relationship was for five years so he says he isn’t ready for another relationship. I just really like him and I would be open to pursuing something more than what we are now in the fall if we survive the summer.

Tips? Advice?? Will this work out? HELP!!!

Thanks in advance and wish me luck.

Okay, okay, let me think.

Ah, Denver! If you’ve ever seen South Park, you’ll know that Colorado has a sizable Mormon population. Mormons are pretty cool, but they do have some weird quirks, one of which is the tendency to marry at a really young age and after dating for just a short while. I live in Colorado’s western neighbor Utah and have been observing these people for several years, and I’ve personally seen engagement rings come out after only three months of dating.

So what does this have to do with your situation? Well, you need to make some connections in the area where he’ll be staying. Once you have a few Mormon shooters, get them to befriend this guy and instill in him ideas of marriage, children, family life, and everlasting bonds. Maybe have them bring him along to a baby shower or two. This should soften him up a little bit, and he’ll start to have real thoughts of settling down. After all, how many more years of playing the field will even be worth it at this point? My parents were already having their first child at his and my age, and here I am getting drunk at arcade bars and falling asleep to the soothing notes of the Narcos intro…

Okay, so I had a little crisis there, but the point is that you need to use the Mormons to lock him down in some kind of twisted, wholesome D.E.N.N.I.S. System knockoff. Whenever you go to visit him, he should be all buttered up and waxing poetic about “forever.” Strike down those ideas immediately, and break all contact for three days. When he is at his most desperate, apologize and tell him you want to spend the rest of your life with him. Boom, he’s locked down for good. This will be difficult, but it can be done if you play your cards right. Godspeed.

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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