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The summer before freshman year, I was getting some on the regular from my girlfriend. I was happy, she was happy, everyone was happy. Mostly me, though.
Come fall, we would be 1,000 miles away from each other, so we had to decide whether we would cut things off and go our separate ways or try to make things work long distance. It was a decision neither of us wanted to make, as we were content with the way things were, but sometimes life sticks you between a rock and hard place and makes you choose between waiting for someone to get you unstuck or fucking your way out dick-first.
When fall finally came, I decided she was worth keeping around. We were going to make things work long distance, something I never thought I would do and was called a “cuck-ass bitch” for deciding on. No one thinks they’re going to be tied down right out of high school, but there I was. I was making do with my side chick Palm-ela Hand-erson, but it was my girlfriend who I was really worried about.
A hot piece of ass in a new environment surrounded by alcohol, testosterone, and bad decisions, freshman year was a recipe for disaster for my girl. Freshmen girls are fresh meat the instant they step on campus, and jealously started up for me around the same time as syllabus week. I contemplated ending it all (the relationship; not my life). Then one of my boys gave me some advice on what he did to make sure his girl stayed faithful — Clone-a-Willy.
At first, I was skeptical messing around with a weird sex toy. But I remembered that Zac Efron and his fraternity brothers made clones of their penises (peni? peniseses?) in Neighbors, so I figured I would give it a try. I did a little research on the matter, and decided my best bet was to order a Clone-a-Willy kit off Amazon. It was a rather frugal investment that I was hoping would have high returns in the future. As always with Amazon Prime, the package shipped in a matter of days. Impeccable service. I opened the package to see a large plastic tube stuffed with different powders and a long list of instructions. Who knew making a replica of your dick would be such a detailed process.
It should be noted that the first line of instructions read, “Copying a penis is easier and more fun with a sexy helper,” so I was doomed from the start — my sexy helper was probably busy giving some sophomore a handjibber on the other side of the country.
The first step of the process was to cut off the tube to match the length of your fully erect penis. “It’s important to not cheat yourself by adding an extra inch or two to your length,” they said. Makes sense — you don’t want your girl to be disappointed the next time you give her the real thing (if that ever happens). The next step involves channeling your inner Walter White and mixing a mysterious white powder with 1.75 cups of hot water to create a molding substance.
This part of the process is when everything went to shit for me. The directions called for mixing the powder into the water for exactly 60 seconds, then immediately pouring the mixture into the original plastic tube and inserting your erect penis into the tube for molding. However, when that 60 seconds was up I was far from being torqued. Unlike Fetty in the trap house, I don’t have a queen to help me get my (crack) rocks off while I’m surrounded by powder. I quickly attempted to get a little blood flow, but by the time I had a half chub, the mixture was already rock hard. There was no way I was shoving my mostly flaccid willy into that rubbery substance. Were they expecting me to pull off that level of multitasking? I really should’ve listened to the instructions and had a “sexy helper” take off some of the pressure for me, but that wasn’t really an option — at that point she probably had just finished up the handjibber and had moved onto trying butt stuff for the first time with a junior known as “Anal Alan.”
In the end, taking on a task meant for four hands with only two turned into a complete disaster. I only got through half of the process, but I was too ashamed of myself to start over. Sorry sweetheart, you’ll just have to wait for the real thing or (continue to?) get it from someone else..
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