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Man Found Dead In A “Beer Cave”

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We’ve all seen it. It’s located in the corner of some of the gas stations and convenience stores in your home and college towns. A magical place, really: the “Beer Cave.”

I remember when I first laid eyes on one. I recall walking into a new gas station near my high school to buy a can of Grizzly Wintergreen after baseball practice, but then I couldn’t help myself. I knew something was up when my dick morphed into what I can only compare to a divining rod leading me to water. Only it wasn’t water. It was leading me to beer. Lots of beer. It’s probably a good thing I still had my cup on from practice or my zipper would not have stood a chance against an erection of that tenacity.

Lightheaded, I found myself stumbling through the sliding automatic door and into a place that I thought I would only visit in my dreams. There was cheap beer, expensive beer, beer I recognized, beer I had never heard of, and it was all ice cold. I just consider myself lucky that my first encounter with this magical cave came at young age and my heart was healthy enough to withstand the arousal. Some of us, however, are not so lucky.

Kenner Police say a man died inside a beer cooler at a convenient store on Airline Drive overnight, but no one knew he was there until they found his very cold body this morning.

Before we go any further, I think it’s safe to say we know exactly what this guy was doing. He was getting a case of fucking beer, saw the beer cave, and came to a “Scotty Smalls blasting his old man’s ball signed by Babe Ruth into the beast’s backyard” realization. It froze him. And then, literally, it froze him. The story continues:

We have a gentleman that went into the Beer Cave, where you can go in and select beer from inside the cooler. It appears that he had experienced some type of medical problem,” Sgt. Brian McGregor told WWL First News.

“McGregor says surveillance video shows the man clutching his chest in the cooler around 10:30pm last night and then collapsing. They found him after 7:00am.

The coroner is conducting an autopsy, but police do not suspect any foul play.

Some type of medical problem? Clutching his chest? I’m no EMT/doctor, but I think I can save the coroner a little time here:


“Hey coroner, was the gentleman older?”


“Did the man have a throbbing hard on upon finding him?”

“It haunts my dreams. How does a dead man sustain an erection for over eight hours?!”

“Beer Cave.”


That’s all it was, folks. This poor old geezer’s heart felt the presence of the beer cave and literally exploded with joy. As far as “not suspecting foul play” is concerned, good call. Real bang up job, detective. You literally have video evidence of a man clutching his chest, completely alone, and falling to the floor dead. To quote an overweight drunk guy, “You can take down those road blocks now.” Keep up the good work, Kenner Police.

Also, not to assign any blame here, but was no one working? Not a single employee gave the store the old once over before closing down for the night? I understand that checking the pulse of the guy who is lying lifelessly in your freezer isn’t in your job description but maybe you could at least give him a courtesy nudge.

To get back to the man who passed, may God rest your soul. I would like to imagine he died happily and passed into heaven with a cold case of Natty clutched in his hand.



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