Ha! What a loser!
This story comes to us out of Malaysia, which is a real country. I totally looked it up, and you can, too, if you doubt me. I got super jazzed for a second when I saw the capital was Koala Humper (for obvious reasons) but sadly, it was just my fratlexia bringing me down once again.
KUALA LUMPUR: A man who purchased a penis enlargement device online had a rude shock when he received a magnifying glass instead of the device he thought he had purchased.
“The instructions that came with the package merely read ‘Do not use in sunlight’,” he said.
I mean, it is technically a penis enlarger.
This man, who is named Ong (short for Dong, probably) paid 450 Malaysian ringgit for what I–I mean, HE believed was a penis enlargement device. Translated into American currency, this amounts to $139.92. That’s one expensive magnifying glass, except it’s definitely worth it, because man, that’s a small penis. Not like I’ve seen it or anything, because this is Ong’s penis we’re talking about, not mine. I would NEVER spend $139.92 (plus $4.95 shipping and handling) on a stupid penis enlargement device. I just don’t need it. My shwang is so big, they don’t let me into movie theaters because they think I’m smuggling in a watermelon to snack on whilst enjoying the silver screen.
If you are somebody who would buy a penis enlargement device, however, I suggest two things:
1. Make sure you’re actually buying a penis enlargement device and not a device that merely makes your penis look larger.
2. Listen to the manufacturer’s advice about not using it in sunlight. Trust me.