Man Threatens To Blow Up Bar After Being Informed That A Rock Is Not Legal Tender

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We have studies on damn near everything in this country. We have studies to figure out that we need more studies. Of all the pointless and wasteful studies that have occurred, I’m incredibly perplexed by the fact that no one has bothered to discern what exactly has caused Florida to evolve into the idiot capital of America. Today’s story comes from Tallahassee, and, well, very little of it makes any sense.

A man named Jared Simpson ran up a whopping $10 tab at the 4th Quarter Bar & Grille. Eventually, it came time to pay it off and the issue of what is and is not legal tender came into play. For future reference, a rock is not legal tender. Jared was apparently unaware of this at the time, however, and he struggled to comprehend the revelation. He then ripped up a dollar bill in the bartender’s face and told her he would pay her “in other ways.” Before he left the bar, he made sure to inform the enthralled patrons that he was shot up in a war, but he could not risk telling them what branch he served in because he’d “have to kill them.”

Off he went. He returned a short time later with an invalid credit card and, once again, he left the bar. Shortly thereafter, he reentered the establishment dressed in a suit and carrying a briefcase. He informed everyone in the vicinity that “anyone who goes near this will die,” and then promptly ran down the street.

It only got weirder.

From Huffington Post:

When Simpson was apprehended, he told police that the briefcase contained “maybe a bomb or a baby,” reports.

According to police, the suspect sang a song about being a “rainbow man,” and refused to answer any questions about the briefcase other that saying, “I am my own master, I answer to myself, no police have the right to ask questions.”

Shockingly, the briefcase did not contain a bomb or a baby. Simpson was arrested on a plethora of charges and was ordered to undergo a court-ordered psychiatric evaluation before being released on bail.

I’ll end this with a great summary from the incredibly analytical cook at 4th Quarter Bar & Grille.

“He came in here and tried to pay for his drinks with a rock. So I figured something was wrong with him then,” Williams told WCTV.

I couldn’t have said it better.

[via Huffington Post]

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Bogey Wells

Bogey Wells is a Senior Freelance Writer for TFM News and a former summer pledge intern at TFMHQ. His Spotify playlists are pure garbage. Email:

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