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March, The King of Months

They say all months are created equal, but that’s bullshit and whoever said it was probably Canadian. Months like January and August are little bitches compared to vastly superior months like June and July. March, however, kicks far more ass than all of those months combined.

You may ask yourself, what makes March so much better than a month like, say… November? How about Spring Break for starters. Who the hell doesn’t like getting shit tanked on grain alcohol in exotic locations? I have never witnessed a man wearing a frown while shot-gunning a Keystone Ice with half-naked Jezebels frolicking around him. Additionally, thanks to the glories of global warming, weather becomes more badass during the month of March. Henceforth, more skin is shown, and terrorism is prevented.

It’s apparent that Spring Break is awesome, but that’s just the tip of the melting iceberg when it comes to the prestige of March. I’m referring of course to March Madness, a contest measuring how big your dick is while keeping your pants on. Each year a man gets a chance to channel his inner Joe Lunardi by making outrageous claims that the 16 seeded Evansville Purple Aces are an Elite 8 team, or the Western Kentucky Hilltoppers don’t have a mascot that isn’t retarded. The greatest part of the tournament is witnessing the different types of bracketeers. From the casual fan, who picks his Final Four according to the coolest sounding mascot, to the insanely obsessed, who treats his bracket as if it his first male, non-ginger child. If you come out victorious in the mathematically most difficult gambling event in the history of the world (1 in 4,294,967,296), not only do you have the largest bird amongst your friends, you receive financial compensation and bragging rights for 11 months. A triple whammy.

Finally, laced into this beautiful month like doobies at a Blues Traveler concert, we have the great annual Irish apocalypse that actively promotes alcoholism and poor decision-making. St. Patrick’s Day allows “everyone to be Irish,” meaning you get to step out of a time machine from the 1700’s to belittle women and your liver while drinking bourbon. St. Patrick’s Day is the Mardi Gras of March, except that it’s everywhere instead of just New Orleans or St. Louis (or Galveston, if that even counts). It’s basically the white equivalent of Juneteenth or MLK Jr. day.

And there you have it. March is way better than whatever month you were thinking of. March has got it all, crawfish boils, bikini weather, Spring Break, St. Patrick’s Day, summer action movie trailers, and March Madness (I will admit that April does have Opening Day and the Masters, which is pretty awesome). Suck it February.

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