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Mastering The Art Of The First Date Even If You’re A Total Clown Show

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You did it. I don’t know how, but your nosferatu-looks and toolshed personality actually scored a date. Now what? Your summer wasn’t that exciting. You forgot everything you learned in class last semester and have no knowledge to share, you’re uneasy about the prospects of awkward silences, you’re nervous about what to order, what to say, how to behave, and most importantly, how to lock it down night one. But have no fear, Gentlemen. I’ve put together the definitive guide for mastering the first date, even if you’re a moronic douche waffle.

The Place

Every girl is different. But if I had to make some educated generalizations as to where to take your date and where not to take your date in most cases, here is what it comes down to. Don’t take her to a movie. Or a concert. Why in the world do people think it is a smart move to have a girl spend upwards of two hours staring at actors and musicians who are far more wealthy, talented, well-rounded, emotional, creative, and attractive than you? Come on.

Don’t bring her to a sports game unless you know she will actually appreciate it and not look for the nearest edge to jump off of. Don’t take her mini golfing and try to put your arm around her to help with her swing, you cliché ass clown. You have lots of better options at your disposal. You can take her to a nice restaurant. I know, I know, this isn’t very creative either. But it really isn’t all about the place — it is about the conversation and the attraction. And at a restaurant, alone, sitting across from each other, is a great place for conversation. Also, women love food. And the last thing you want is a hungry, irritated date. Her enjoyment of the food is directly proportional to your chances of getting laid, but you still want to choose somewhere within reason. That nice, homely, authentic pizza place near your college or that one-of-a-kind Irish pub down the road, why not. But as always, use your best judgement.

What to Say

Don’t ask her where she is from like you’re going to find common ground over some generalization about that area. “Pittsburgh, huh? They put french fries on the sandwiches there.” Nobody gives a shit where she is from — especially the Steel City — and in this moment, the two of you are both at a restaurant, together. Talk about that. It helps to be unique and have experiences to share. Me? One of my majors is Ethics/Legal Philosophy (for pre-law) . I can talk to girls about happiness, my thoughts on life, how to be a good person, and weave in “What makes you happy? What’s your thoughts on the good life?” And see what kind of person she is while asking unique, thought-provoking questions about things that make her happy – things that have long answers with follow-up opportunities. Try to showcase whatever unique talents and experiences you have as to not seem like the boring, frat douche that we all know you are. Also, don’t be arrogant. Don’t brag about your major or your extensive gym schedule or your GPA or the 11 RadioShacks your dad owns, or anything else. Although you want to come across as confident, you don’t want her to feel intimidated or bad about herself for not being able to keep up with you, and you also don’t want her to think you’re an entitled asshole.

How to Behave

Don’t order the fucking buffalo wings you messy ogre. Seriously. Get something relatively neat that you won’t get sauce everywhere, food stuck in your teeth, or have stuff dripping everywhere out of your mouth and all over the plate. Chew with your mouth closed, smile, hold the door open for her, put your damn phone away, take a sip of your drink or a bite of your food if you need a few extra seconds to think of something clever to say. Don’t talk about yourself. Ask about her. Let her do the talking. Be nice to the wait staff, leave a nice tip, and don’t be a difficult, annoying customer.


Dress according to where you take her and the weather. A nice, simple t-shirt and jeans or shorts should be fine. Leave the tank top at home and perhaps wear something that didn’t require the smell test after you unballed it from the corner of your room.

So there you have it. A short, but extensive guide on how to master the first date and get her to not want to look for the nearest exit 15 seconds in.

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Attempting to crack the female code - one article at a time.

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