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Let’s Say You Fucked Up And Need To Reinvent Yourself

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In this day and age, your mistakes can easily be broadcast to the entire world in the blink of an eye. Everybody has the ability to take pictures and videos at a moment’s notice, and the plethora of social media outlets at their disposal puts you under constant pressure to maintain your image. But what happens when you fail? Say, hypothetically, you got a bit too drunk at a Halloween party and sodomized a Jack-o-lantern? Relax, there’s still hope for you. I’ve provided a few tips to help you disassociate from the person you were at your weakest moment.

Change Your Appearance

Obviously, you were wearing a Halloween costume when you committed the act, so most people probably won’t recognize you in the first place. Still, it’s probably for the best to change at least a few aspects of your appearance so as to avoid the stares of astonishment from people in your community. Get that Peaky Blinders haircut you’ve always wanted. Start wearing joggers in every social setting. Bring frosted tips back. Make yourself look exactly like someone you hate, publicly commit an even more disgusting, unspeakable act while looking like them (get sodomized by a Jack-o-lantern, sorry, these Halloween commercials my mind on a single track right now), and then change your appearance back. Over time, people will slowly stop associating you with the horrible mistakes you made.

Remember when you learned that all your cells are replaced every seven years in your middle school science class? That means that seven years from now, not a single cell in your body will have violated a Halloween decoration. Changing your appearance will dramatically expedite that process.

Move Away

Somebody once said that every young man needs to move to a new city all on his own, and it looks like you’ve got just the chance to do so. I would strongly recommend somewhere in Florida. Why? Just read the news. With all the face-eating and other general sexual and dietary anarchy going on in that state, nobody’s going to bat an eye at your situation. Oh, you stuck your dick in a squash? Nice going, rookie.

Become A Bounty Hunter

This might seem like a hassle at first, but it’s probably easier than you think. In my state (Utah, to be fair), becoming a bounty hunter requires little more than 16 hours of training and “good moral character.” Once you get certified, all you have to do is get out there and start kicking ass. Who’s going to call you a pumpkin-fucker when they know you can hunt them down and serve them some justice?

Embrace It

Just come clean to everyone. Don’t make anymore excuses. Tell people how hot and bothered you were when you saw that spooky Jack-o-lantern staring you right in the eyes. Tell them how it felt when your junk felt its gooey, orange embrace. Tell them that you now know what it means to be truly alive. There are all sorts of people dealing with the awful things they’ve done, and this is your cross to bear. Bear it with pride, and never look back, you frisky pumpkin-lover, you.

I fucked a Jack-o-lantern yesterday.

Image via Shutterstock

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WJ Cope

He's the real reason people say "No one likes you when you're 23."

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