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A Michigan Police Department Is Kind Enough To Test Your Meth For Zika Virus

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There are a lot of things worth being scared about. The looming election, coupled with environmental and health concerns, have been slowly wearing down on us for months. Now, every time you turn on the news you’re faced with nothing but crises and impending Armageddon. Wouldn’t it be nice if there was a way to get away from all that negativity and just find a little peace? Lucky for you, now there is.

It’s called “crystal meth” and it’s fucking fantastic. One second you’re worrying about money, the next you’re partying your face off in an empty room. It’s like getting a blowie from Jen Aniston while she punches you in the face, and, up until now, there haven’t been any real negative effects to speak of. Your hair’s going to fall out anyway, right? Unfortunately, one of those aforementioned health concerns is here to rain on our sexy nude parades. Zika, that mosquito shit that messes with baby heads, totally might be present in your crystal. I swear. Luckily, the brave men and women of the Bath (MI) Police Department are taking a stand to help out their fellow man.


The Bath Police Department in Michigan posted on its Facebook page with a big “breaking news” graphic warning that read “meth possibly containing the Zika virus.”

The post goes on to say, “If you recently bought some meth, you can bring it into the Bath Township Police Department and we can test it for you.”

Of course, scientists have not linked the Zika virus to any type of drug.
Commenters posted on the post asking if this was a joke, and the police department responded saying, “Sometimes you’ve got to think outside the box!”

The police department says it’s just their style of community policing.

And people say the boys in blue are just in it for a paycheck. Those assholes have never had to face the tough decision of blowing down some mosquito dick meth or living one more moment in this godforsaken world we call home. No longer will health concerns derail an all-night party in a Jimmy John’s bathroom, or keep that trailer park from getting its required weekly income for diapers and Pall Mall Reds. Be sure to take your junk down to the station. Chop chop, folks. I know I will.

[via WSBTV]

Image via Shutterstock

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Karl Karlson

Karl Karlson is TFM's self-proclaimed cartoon expert and your best buddy. He resides in Eastern NC where he spends his time roasting pigs and attempting to grow a beard. Karl enjoys drinking on elevated surfaces and rapping on podcasts.

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