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Seeing as this is the first day of class for many students across the country, let me welcome all of you to “Losing Elections 101.” It’s a freshman level course, pretty standard stuff really. If you look at the syllabus you can see what we’ll be covering this semester:
– Comparing Seemingly Random Things to the Nazis
– Flashing Your Genitals During a Private Interview
– Saying That You Will Raise Taxes (The Mondale Chapter)
– Running as a Third Party Candidate and the Ventura Anomaly
– Flashing Your Genitals During a Public Interview/Speech/Debate
– Being Honest
– Being Too Dishonest
– Getting All Science-y
– Getting All Religious-y
– Questioning the Legitimacy of Rapes
In August Representative Todd Akin (R-MO) won the Republican primary to challenge Missouri incumbent Claire McCaskill (D-MO) for her seat in the Senate and has since been on the campaign trail. On Sunday Representative Akin sat down for an interview with Charles Jaco of KTVI, St. Louis’ local Fox affiliate. Akin, who is notedly conservative on issues such as abortion and birth control (he has spoken out in the past about outlawing Plan B), was asked by Jaco about his stance on abortions in the case of rape induced pregnancies. His response was not, uh, all that great.
“First of all, from what I understand from doctors, (pregnancy) is really rare. If it’s a legitimate rape, the female body has ways to try to shut that whole thing down.”
Ummm…no? I don’t think that’s true; but maybe Todd Akin and I just know different
medicine wizards doctors. Although, if the body really does have a way of shutting down pregnancy during a “legitimate rape” then maybe we’ve just inadvertently discovered the greatest/cheapest form of contraception ever…wait for it…CONCEIVED. Ironic that Todd Akin of all people led us to this discovery.
So what’s this new form of contraception I’m talking about? Fear! If the body really does have a way of shutting down pregnancies during legitimate rapes then any signals the brain is sending to the female reproductive organs almost certainly have to be triggered by fear. Now that Todd Akin has unlocked this reproductive mystery we can use it to our advantage. Instead of pulling out, just tell your lady to think of something really scary. Or maybe right before you finish have a fraternity brother jump out of the closet wearing an old hockey mask and wielding a large cleaver. If you’d rather not leave your contraception up to fortuitous timing then may I suggest popping in a Paranormal Activity DVD before you and your girl get intimate? Or perhaps putting on an evil clown mask before you mount your lover. If Todd Akin’s science is correct then all of these options should be legitimate forms of contraception.
What’s that? Todd Akin’s science is in fact incorrect? Shit. According to a study done in 2003 rape victims are actually twice as likely to get pregnant as women having consensual sex. Quick, take out that DVD of Stephen King’s It before you have a whole litter of frat babies on your hands!
As you can imagine, the backlash against Akin’s remarks have been numerous and harsh. Putting aside the legion of people who you would rightly expect to be offended by Akin’s remarks, many of his own party members have now turned on him. When Mitt Romney was asked about Akin’s views he started sprinting away as fast as he could, shouting over his shoulder that he disagreed with Akin, calling his remarks “inexcusable” and “frankly wrong.” Senator Scott Brown (R-MA) has flat out called for Akin to remove himself from the ballot.
When Senator McCaskill was asked if she thought Representative Akin should withdraw from the race, she said that she believed he should stay on the ticket. Weird. Prior to his comments Akin was leading McCaskill in the polls, a lead that most experts believe is sure to be reversed after Akin’s
fucking retarded controversial comments.
But don’t worry Todd Akin, this will at worst be the second most embarrassing Republican moment in Missouri politics. At least you aren’t going to lose to a dead guy.
And that, class, is how you lose the shit out of an election.
Follow me on Twitter @BaconTFM