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Missouri State Phi Delts Being Sued After Hitting ΔΖ Sorority Girl In The Face With A Water Balloon

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You damn 2nd Amendment nuts just couldn’t get with the times, could you?

Years beget years, which beget further tragedy, which beget an over-usage of the word beget. And with each passing massacre, the violence seems to intensify as we near the point of no return.

Let’s be candid. 2012 was a horrible year for arms-related violence in this country. Every month, it seemed like a new psychopathic maniac was emerging from the lurking shadows of death to destroy the lives of the innocent. They really were horrible experiences.

Unfortunately, the Missouri State University Greek system was no exception to the 2012 calamity epidemic.

A Missouri State student and sorority member is suing a fraternity, alleging she was injured after being struck in the face with a water balloon fired by fraternity members. According to the personal injury lawsuit filed by (the Missouri State student) on Dec. 17, (she) sustained at least one fractured bone and several other injuries after a water balloon hit her eye.

Members of nearby fraternity Phi Delta Theta were allegedly firing water balloons at Delta Zeta Epsilon sorority members as they came and went from the sorority house on Sept. 11, 2011. Fraternity members, including (names omitted by TFM), were using a “high-powered slingshot launcher” to project the balloons at the fraternity house, the petition said.

Damn you, you massacre enablers. Damn you all to hell.

Now, I hear your arguments, and I agree with them. After all, only a damn fool would deny that the 2nd Amendment is the only thing slowing down Obama’s communist robot army from storming into our homes, and forcing us to sing praises to Mao Zedong.

He had dumps like a truck, truck, truck
Thighs like what, what, what
Mao move your butt, butt, butt
Let me see that Zedong.

No one wants to take away your 2nd Amendment. But we should be able to lay upon the table what type of arms are subject to government regulation. And as much as we cherish annihilating the competition and exhibiting our alpha male superiority in front of sorority girls with the most awe-inspiring (yet unnecessary) of water war supplies, maybe we have, in fact, gone too far with our technology. Maybe we, as a people, just aren’t ready.

Tools of despair like this “high-powered slingshot launcher” only lead to escalation. Sorority girls start carrying semi-water balloon absorbent clothes. The fraternities then buy pad-piercing rounds. Eventually it becomes a race to the bottom shelf of the Band-Aid aisle.

It’s only in times of water balloon tragedy that our eyes become momentarily opened, then they get pulverized by a water balloon, and so those eyes return to being shut.

Won’t someone think of the children?

[via News-Leader]

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell is a senior contributing writer for Total Frat Move, Rowdy Gentleman, and Post Grad Problems. He frequently blesses the rains down in Africa.

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